Showing posts with label Like. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Like. Show all posts

Friday, May 27, 2011

#108 Communion Plate Passing Anxiety

When the communion plate is passed, white Christians know that they're supposed to be focused on the serving of the Lord's Supper, but they just can't help but feel nervous. Communion plate passing anxiety dominates the mental capacity of the white Christian during this sacrament.

When that tray full of the elements is being passed, there's a lot at stake- including the mother of all white Christian faux paus... dropping a loud, metal tray full of the biggest stain creaters on the face of the earth- making a racket during the most contemplative, introspective moment in white Christendom, and on top of this, staining everyone within the 4 foot spash-zone radius.

With the silver tray packed to the gills with potential energy, white Christians get nervous. "Which side of my row will it come down?" asks the swivel-headed white Christian as they do the odd/even plate-passing technique mental math to determine if the plate of great stain potential is coming from their right or left.

The prequel to this logistical nightmare is the passing of the bread. This is like the plate-passing training camp. If you drop this tray... all that's at risk is a lot of noise. The grape juice, however, brings the situation to threat-level purple.
There's a reason that stain-removal commercials use wine or grape juice to demonstrate "the toughest stains."

In white Christian mega-churches with theater seating, there is no "pew slide," so some white Christians are required to literally stand up and side-shuffle10-15 seats to the next person. This carefully tip-toed path is a
veritable time-bomb of embarrassment. The white Christian is forced to ponder, "Will he come over to me? Should I walk it over to him? What if we both get up?" The one benefit of the Mega church is the built in excuse. White Christians are passing the tray to a complete stranger. This allows them tomentally pre-emptively blame the other guy for any mishaps.

This anxiety is not limited to the pew-sitter. It extends to the plate passer as well. "What if my passing partner (or "communi-buddy") accidentally get two plates going on the same row toward each other?" ponders the petrified volunteer. "What if I wind up with all 4 plates? I can't balance that!"

Saturday, December 11, 2010

#107 The Annual Public Nativity Scene Legality Debate

God promises that "where two or three Christians are gathered, there He will be." Unfortunately for American white Christians, local government has decided that "wherever two or three Christians are gathered for a nativity scene, there no one will be ever."

Every year, when Christmas approaches on the calendar, white Christians enjoy several traditions to get themselves into the spirit of the season: reading Luke 2 (any other Biblical accounts of the Christmas story pales in comparison to this particular version),
candlelight ceremonies, advent candles, and even pretending there's a Santa Claus. But nothing quite captures the white Christian "reason for the season" like the annual public nativity scene legality debate.

Here's how it breaks down every year: Somewhere in Anytown, USA, a sleepy little village has recently outlawed a nativity scene. 99.9% of white Christians worldwide have never heard of this town, but 100% of white Christians are outraged by this turn of events. After all, local news reports indicate that they've had a nativity scene in the Anytown, USA fire department parking lot for the past 33 years, but now the Washington fat cats are taking this beloved spontaneous zoo fantasy camp away from the once simple (now angry) townspeople.

This group anger pools into action and culminates in two additional white Christian Christmas classics: protests and boycotts. Protest signs with "Jesus is the Reason for the Season," are now on par with Christmas lights. Nothing says "God With Us," quite like a good ol' fashion picket line.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

#106 Black Double-Breasted Pea Coats

In cool-climate white Christian churches during winter months, you can expect the coat racks to be jam packed with black double-breasted pea coats. There may be a few reds, greens, yellows, or even single breasted coats, but these coat wearers are frankly ridiculous.

Navy blue or silver coats are acceptable- but barely. The simple fact is that the vast majority of White Christians like their exterior winter garments like they like their gospel singers: black and double breasted.

Unfortunately for the coats, every white Christian church has a dysfunctional coat storage system. Back in 1972, the church maintenance guy was charged with purchasing coat racks and/or hangers for the temporary coat-storing needs of the congregation. Being a visionary leader, this man planned on having a maximum of 20 people come to church on any given Sunday. Now, with a church population in the hundreds (or thousands), a coat-soiling game of russian roulette takes place. Miraculously, the 20 coat rack is maximized, and the first hundred congregants are able to store their black double-breasted pea coats in a "just jam it in there" haphazard manner.

With a nod to the Netherlands'
public bicycle program, there is no need to fear that their coat will be stolen... because there is no motivation to steal. Since the white Christian coat market has been saturated and everyone already has their own black double-breasted pea coat, any temptation to steal has been suppressed.

The black double-breasted pea coat is the white Christian's best guess as to the earthly version of a heavenly choir robe. They're unisex, simple, stylish, and timeless. An 80 year old woman and a 13 year old girl could wear the same coat to church, and not think anything of it. What other article of clothing can make such a bold claim?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

#105 Health and Wealth

The Bible is filled with people who followed God's will, only to be put in fiery furnaces, beheaded, stoned, or crucified. Naturally, many white Christians interpret this to mean that if they put their faith in God, they will be rewarded with health and wealth all of their days.

And not just health and a comfortable living, mind you, but anything your heart desires! Ferrari? Beach house? Season six of the Office on DVD? Just "name it and claim it" and God has to give it to you - it's in the Bible... somewhere. Limited numbers of Word-Faith type church members have had sports cars magically appear in their driveways, but it's an entirely different story for the pastors of these churches.

Prosperity theology is quite the deal for charismatic pastors like Joel Osteen and Jim Baker. As long as the congregation believes that a winning lottery ticket is only a bigger tithe away, at least the pastor will be living his best life now.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

#104 Telling People That They're Going to Hell

Hell. Eternal damnation. Separation from God for all of eternity. The lake of fire. With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing. And the heat. It's pretty much the worst possible place that you could be. As terrible as this place is, many white Christians love telling people that Hell is precisely where they're going.

Judgemental? Sure. In-your-face? You bet. But you know what else is judgemental and in-your-face? The firey fires of Hell. Boom - suck on that nugget of truth for a few moments! Not as creamy and delicious as you thought was it? Check and mate!

Once a white Christians has told their first person that they're going to "H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks," it's really a slippery slope of judgmental joy. Pretty soon, they're telling anyone who disagrees with them, looks different from them, or even minorly inconveniences them that they're going to Hell. It's only a matter of time before the judgmental white Christian claims that all Democrats are going to Hell, all Republicans are going to Hell and that guy that cut you off in traffic is going to Hell. They especially like telling Bloggers that they are going to Hell (anonymously).

Upon instructing the lost that they are, in fact, on a highway to Hell, the white Christian is then able to elevate their standing by informing the lost sheep that they are praying for their soul. It's through welcoming techniques like this that the white Christian seeks to save the lost.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

#103 Fill-in-the-Blank Sermon Notes

Since every contemporary white Christian sermon is generally taught at a 2nd grade level (often as simple as "Jesus Loves You and So Do We") white Christian pastors figure that they should allow a note-taking style that is becoming to that of a 2nd grader. That's where fill-in-the-blank sermon notes come in handy.

When the mind starts to wander, pastors know that those blessed little blanks will bring 'em back. Expert level white Christians will have entered the church building prepared. Having previously received the scripture text in the church's weekly e-mail newsletter (and having subsequently read and/or memorized said text), this expert level white Christian will enter into their own little game of "predict the blank before the pastor says it aloud."

The golf pencil graphite will etch below the blank, and any correct predictions will result in a nudge in the ribs or a knowing glance to the white Christian family member sitting next to them. Conversely, malcontents in middle school might use the blanks as their own little personal game of "mad-libbs."

As if blanks weren't enough to keep the attention the blanks are digitally filled in on the screen so that white Christians can keep up.

Well-intentioned white Christians tell themselves that they will take the completed notes (or "answer key") home and place it inside their Bible or post it on their refrigerator. More than likely, however, these notes will be jettisoned during post-worship refreshments. There's only so much that a white Christian can hold onto. With a cup of coffee in one hand and a cookie/napkin combo in the other, the long-term storage of sermon notes for future contemplation is a necessary sacrifice.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

#102 Vague Bible Quotes

During conversation among white Christians, throwing out a quote from the Bible is welcome at any time. Regardless of the topic of discussion, a little bit of memorized scripture is always appropriate. While expert-level white Christians will execute their Bible quotation flawlessly, most white Christians are too far removed from Sunday School to be able to cite chapter and verse, or even remember the exact phrasing.

Instead, they will start with "Like the Bible says..." and then offer up something that sounds vaguely familiar and Bible-ish to the other church-going people in the vicinity. These Bible-quoters knows they are mangling the verse, but as long as they can muster at least fifty percent accuracy, the others will nod approvingly.

The Bible is the ultimate authority, so citing scripture is the perfect response to any problem or question raised in conversation with others. A half correct Bible verse has at least some words that are in the Bible, surely this is better than saying something that isn't in the Bible at all.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

#101 Gender Neutrality

Many within white Christendom have discovered that there are way too many male figures in their Bibles. In an effort to correct this rare Biblical "error" from this infallible Book, inclusion, diversity, and political correctness are valued over hermeneutical accuracy. Just about any general reference to gender is neutered. While this movement is well intentioned, it definitely ruins the recitation of previously memorized Bible verses.

Take John 15:5 for instance. If you've ever memorized this verse previously, try to navigate through this verbal mine-field: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man person remain in me and I in him him/her, he he/she will bear much fruit."

This rote-memory-vs.-newer-version-conundrum mirrors the familiar public Lord's Prayer indecision. When attending a non-native church and the Lord's Prayer is liturgically spoken, the white Christian is always forced to wonder, is it "Forgive us our..."

  1. "Debts as we forgive our debtors?"
  2. "Trespasses as those who trespass against us?"
  3. "Sins as we forgive those who sin against us?"

No matter what the white Christian TRIES to say with their co-congregants, rote memorization from years of doing it "the right way" will take over, and the wrong phrase will be invariably uttered- much to the embarrassment of all within earshot.

More than just making Biblical laymenpeople into gender neutral eunuchs, these white Christians have the castrated cajones to turn God into a woman. Using that one reference in Isaiah, this father/mother God is little more than a back-door approach toward women serving in church office- "Hey... if God is father/MOTHER, then maybe it's not such a bad thing for Barb to serve as an Elder."

On the other end of the white Christian spectrum, you have the literalists who not only use the Father symbolism, they literally picture God the Father as a dude: Beard. Flowing robe. Sandals. He's viewed as a really old man floating on a cloud and taking care of things on earth below. These people might even blasphemously refer to their Creator as "The Big Man Upstairs."

Saturday, October 16, 2010

#100 Reformation Day

As much as the white Christian loves candy, he isn't about to celebrate the occult in order to satisfy his sweet tooth on October 31st. Besides, there is another holiday falling on the same day as Halloween that is every bit as much fun: Reformation Day.

Children in the public schools celebrate Halloween by making jack-o'-lanterns, eating candy corn, and worshipping ghosts and goblins, presumably (white Christians aren't quite sure what goes on in these public schools, but it's not good). Christian school kids, on the other hand, spend the day coloring pictures of Martin Luther and John Calvin and nailing scotch-taping the 95 Theses to the classroom door.

Some white Christians seek to redeem Halloween by wrapping tracts around the candy they pass out to trick-or-treaters, but the preferred method of claiming Halloween for the kingdom is dressing your kids up as Bible characters. Unfortunately, all Bible character costumes tend to come out the same - just a beard, a robe and a staff. "Hey, nice Abraham costume." "I'm Elijah, you moron."

Saturday, October 9, 2010

#99 Knowing the Motions to Praise Songs, but Not Doing Them

White Christian music has a strong tradition of visual imagery and many praise songs have motions. When the hands-free PowerPointed lyrics replaced the cumbersome hymnals white Christians were now able to do something with their hands. Some white Christians settled on a designated worship stance, while others took to synchronizing motions with praise songs.

From Sunday School's "Father Abraham" to Audio Adrenaline's "Big House," motions during praise songs remind white Christians to move various appendages while singing, and to pantomime the throwing of a ball in "A big, big yard where we can play football."

And yet... praise song motions seem relegated to Sunday School or summer-time Bible camp. Occasionally, a worship leader will awkwardly attempt to force-feed motions to a full congregation, but this is ill-received and oft-ignored.

If a white Christian doesn't know the motions to a song-there's no worry as the vast majority of praise songs are so repetitive that they'll be well aware of the intended motions by the fifth time the chorus rolls around. Once they know the expected motions, the white Christian is free to ignore them like the rest of the white Christians sitting next to them. For instance, there are very distinct motions to the popular praise song "Days of Elijah," (motions here) that white Christians have learned along the way. However, just because they know the motions to "Behold he comes, riding on a cloud, shining like the sun, at the trumpet call, lift your voice," doesn't mean that they will actually act them out.

For white Christians desperate to learn the latest praise song motions, they can always learn motions from online video tutorials like this:

Saturday, October 2, 2010

#98 Post-Legalism

In the New Testament, Jesus is often found arguing with the religious leaders of that day. These Pharisees were always making up all sorts of new rules for daily living, which made Jesus as angry as a hornet... or a bear, or maybe a bull - whichever animal is angriest. This has not stopped white Christians everywhere from making up their own extra-biblical rules about alcohol, dancing or rock music. This tendency, coupled with how popular culture portrays Christians as judgmental hypocrites, is vexing to white Christians.

Adulterers, drug users and the like used to be the most looked down upon evil-doers, but no more. Now the legalists, with their lists of do's and don'ts, are enemy number one. Clearly, if something is wrong, the exact opposite is right, so white Christians have replaced performance based Christianity with anything goes Christianity.

After switching from legalism to license, not only do you get to do anything you want without judgment from your fellow believers, you also get to feel a sense of superiority over legalistic Christians. These white Christians quickly transition from being thankful that they aren't like those sinners who watch Jersey Shore and go to the mall on Sundays to thanking God that they're not like those smug pharisees.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

#97 Designated Worship Stances

Once a church transitions to contemporary worship, every white Christian faces the solemn responsibility of adopting his or her own designated worship stance.

Worship stances are peculiar things. As much as the white Christian wants to get completely spiritually wrapped up in the worship moment, they can't help but to allow their social inhibitions to get in the way. Whenever white Christians face a dilemma like this, structure is the name of the game. This has lead to the adoption of 6 acceptable designated worship stances. SWCL takes an in-depth look at these 6 favorites:

Stance: The Nothing-But-The-Truth

Technique: One Hand Raised

Details: Simple, elegant, demonstrative- the gold standard of worship stances. The Nothing-But-The-Truth screams, "Yeah, I know that this makes you uncomfortable, but that's your problem... not mine." Interestingly, the NBTT can be a "gateway stance." Once white Christians take the plunge into raising one hand, soon they will be experimenting with harder stances. The NBTT is the go-to stance for white Christians.

Stance: The Touchdown Jesus

Technique: Both Hands Raised

Details: If one raised hand is good, it stands to reason that two raised hands is better. Frankly, if human beings could evolve a third arm, white Christians would experiment with raising this arm as well. Only expert level white Christians should attempt this bold proclamation that combines spiritual emotionalism with "look at me" attention grabbing gestures. Touchdown Jesus stance is only for the sure.

Stance: The Self-Hug
Technique: Self-explanatory

Details: Warm, emotionally intimate, and humble. Perhaps best of all for the social-conscious, this stance goes on virtually undetected by those in close proximity. For single-and-ready-to-mingle white Christians, anything that draws other's eyes to an embrace of your body can't possibly be a bad thing.

Stance: The Gratitude

Technique: Palms Upheld

Details: Where other hand-centric stances rise above eye level, The Gratitude allows the white Christian to do something with their hands without actually distracting anyone outside of their row. Any song that involves the word "thank" is perfect for this stance. Many Touchdown Jesus stances repetitiously downgrade to this stance during the less-peppy verses, only to jump back into Touchdown Jesus for the louder (and therefore far-more-spiritual) chorus. The Gratitude is a great middle-ground stance which features a perfect combination of self-confidence and humility that all white Christians crave.

Stance: The Nonchalant

Technique: Hands in Pockets or held together behind back

Details: Power is the name of the game here. Clenching a fist behind the back shows those other sissy stances who's boss. Rocking a hand or two in pockets keeps this "silent assassin" representing the old school. As a fringe benefit, having your hand on your wallet is always a good reminder about the upcoming offering.

Stance: The Literalist

Technique: Body and words are one- a veritable worshiping mime

Details: This stance is either for the career white Christian, or the recent, on-fire convert. Not for the meek, all eyes within a 50 foot radius will be upon the literalist. This stance takes a much more literal attitude to worship lyrics and physically does whatever the lyrics call for. For instance, "We fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus" is accompanied by literally laying down (and removing any crowns where applicable). "We stand and lift up our hands," is accompanied by literally standing and lifting up hands.

**Don't forget to take our poll listing YOUR designated worship stance**

Saturday, September 18, 2010

#96 Social Justice

White Christians are deeply bothered by sin in society. However, those in secular society don't much like it when white Christians discuss abortion, sex before marriage, or homosexuality - it's not politically correct. Speaking out about against poverty, on the other hand, is like denouncing those couples who sit on the same side of a booth when no one is on the other side: it's something everyone can agree on.

"Caring for the poor" isn't terribly nuanced or sophisticated though, nor is it very specific, so many white Christian churches seized upon the term "social justice" as a substitute. This was all going along swimmingly until the political commentator Glenn Beck urged his viewers to abandon these churches, arguing that social justice was just disguised left-wing politics (and as such, equal to Nazism and communism).

Left-wing churches became very angry that their schemes were being revealed, while non-political churches were angry to find out that the trendy phrase they were using to mean "caring for the poor" actually could mean left-wing ideology. Other churches were angry to find out that "caring for the poor" by voting for greater income redistribution is considered a political stance. And the white Christians who select their churches based on the advice of Mormon political commentators were angry that the social justice types were angry. In short, everyone was angry.

Thus the common purpose that white Christians sought with secular society and each other was all for naught. This lack of agreement could easily spread to other issues. In the future, it's possible that not only will couples be able to share the same side of a half empty booth without derision, but these same couples, when talking to their pets, will be allowed to refer to themselves as "mommy and daddy."

Saturday, September 11, 2010

#95 God Things

If you are approached by a white Christian with a twinkle in his eye, brace yourself - you are about to hear of an experience that can only be described as a "God Thing." God Things will not be held a secret for long. No matter how arcane the back story, God Things demand to be shared with the nearest white Christian within ear shot.

What is the difference between "God Things" and "Good Things"? One "O." That is it.

God Things have many variations. They can apply to anything from finding spare change on the ground to miraculous conversion experiences. Interestingly enough, despite God's obvious omnipotence, God Things are not typically linked to bad things or natural disasters - that is so Old Testament. For instance, not one white Christian ever exclaimed, "Wow, that Hurricane Andrew was a total God Thing," or "Remember when Becky pooped her pants in second grade? God Thing." On the other hand, any silver lining to these clouds WILL be deemed "God Things." As in, "Remember when that family was displaced by Hurricane Andrew and a Christian family took them in? That was a God Thing." Just to recap - hurricane: not a God Thing. Good stuff that resulted from the negativity of the hurricane: God Thing.

In addition to the many variations of God Things, there are also varying degrees of God Things. Depending on the level of divine intervention involved, a white Christian may soon be telling everyone they know about a standard God Thing or a "Total God Thing."

Saturday, September 4, 2010

#94 Hipster Christianity

White Christians will not rest until every man, woman, and child attends church on Sunday morning. The young have to go - their parents make them. People with families will be there - where else will they meet other people with kids? But the people in between, those aged 18-29, are no where to be found. After years of hand wringing, white Christians have finally found a solution: hipster churches.

These white Christians have little interest in anything that isn't relevant. Hipster churches provide a relevant alternative to boring old normal church by holding services in bars or old theaters. These services are lead by a young, independent thinking pastor with messy hair, thick rimmed glasses and skinny jeans.

All the normal hipster stuff is well documented: the cultivated coolness of wearing clothes from thrift shops and American Apparel, only listening to the right Radiohead albums and going through each day with a world weary expression on your face. However, in addition to the ability to properly critique mainstream society, white Christian hipsters must also master the appropriate hipster reaction to Christianity and Christian culture.

Being adequately rebellious against mainstream Christianity is easy. Read a little Donald Miller, N.T. Wright, or if you're really cool, G.K. Chesterton. But what about all the CCM you've come to know and love during your mainstream Christian upbringing? Not a problem: listening to your old DC Talk cassettes ironically actually enhances your white Christian hipster bonafides.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

#93 Worn Bible Envy

Since the advent of theater seating, Bibles have been progressively been removed from the sanctuary. The pew slot no longer exists for congregations to pick up the Bible on the fly.

While the removal of the Word of the Lord from the hands of believers might seem like a negative to the outside observer, there is a silver-lining to this bizzaro-Gutenberg cloud- it encourages white Christians to bring their personal Bible from home. This home Bible has proven to be the ultimate status symbol of white Christendom.

While some white Christians merely lean on the PowerPointed scripture, expert level white Christians proudly flash their personal, devotional Bibles that have been ravaged by time, the elements, and in what can only be described as "extreme devotional use." The once smooth leather cover is cracked, tarnished, and perhaps even contains some sort of make-shift adhesive to hold things together.

This weathered Bible has been on countless retreats with varying levels of paper-warping moisture and general grit. The phrase "paper-thin" really doesn't do justice to the page width of your average Bible. Tissue- level width is really a more accurate description... and tissue is not the most durable of material. Ripped pages, frayed edges, or even broken binding is par for the course.

Pieces of bulletin notes from a thousand sermons are crammed in between pages, placing undue stress on the Good Book's delicate binding. Flipping open to any passage will reveal scribbled notes within the margins and highlighted text.

Some white Christian churches even have liturgy that designates time in worship for white Christians to showcase their person Bibles:

Envious white Christians have been known to attempt to accelerate the time-wearing process by treating their personal Bible with reckless abandon. As long as no other white Christian witnesses this abuse, that Bible'll be looking appropriately worn in no time.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

#92 Sharing a Knowing Glance

For white Christians that are weak enough to be married, the intimacy of marriage allows them to know virtually every miniscule detail about their mate. While this level of knowledge brings the couple close, it also allows each mate to use this data for their own gain.

When the pastor makes a point, this is prime-time for sharing a knowing glance. A wife turns, raises a single eyebrow, and smirks at husband as if to say, "See??" or "I told you so," or "Remember when you did that exact thing?"

This can go back and forth over any topic, including inside jokes, taking scripture out of context for humorous purposes, or legitimately trying to prove a point to your mate.

Depending on the severity of the connection, the knowing glance may sometimes be accompanied by an "I told you so" smirk or even a gentle elbow nudge to the ribs. If a husband's arm is around his wife, a specific pastor comment might induce a friendly shoulder-rub to communicate that extra level of non-verbal "I'm right."

The ultimate back-and-forth marital knowing glance sermon is when Ephesians 5 roles around. This is a veritable ping-pong match of knowing glances. Undoubtedly, wives will face a knowing glance upon hearing "Wives submit to your husbands." This is the key piece of Biblical evidence that every white Christian husband needs to support his claim that "it's not a big deal" that his dirty socks are piling up on the bedroom floor.

However sweet it is, the husband's victory is short-lived as his temporary gloat-glance is interrupted by the continuation of the passage, "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church." When this line is uttered, his world crumbles. His wife's knowing glance is radiant. Long before WWJD bracelets, this century's old glance indicated to husbands that, "I'll tell you exactly what Jesus would be doing-picking up his socks off of the bedroom floor!"

Saturday, August 14, 2010

#91 The End Times

For some white Christians, the Gospels and Letters of the New Testament are a little tame. Miracles, people rising from the dead, casting out demons? These white Christians shrug their shoulders and yawn. They prefer their devotionals to be filled with the terrifying dragons, beasts, and horsemen of Revelation.

There are plenty of theological disagreements among white Christians concerning the other "boring" books of the New Testament that are relatively straight forward, so a book as puzzling as Revelation allows for many possible interpretations. Revelation has inspired countless white Christians of the more crazed variety to come up with fantastical exegeses and post them on the internet. The symbolism and cryptic nature this prophetic book guarantee that they can never be proven wrong.

To save you, dear reader, the time of researching the internet's consensus on the meaning of the prophesies of Revelation, here's a summary: the Free Masons are using vaccines and the Large Hadron Collider to control our minds, ensuring that the Antichrist (Jim Tressel) is installed as ruler of the one world government within the next few weeks. If that doesn't happen, don't worry, any combination of earthquakes or floods and the latest news from Israel will signal a cascade of events leading to a different Antichrist taking power and tattooing a bar code onto our foreheads.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

#90 Facebook Status Evangelism

When they aren't tweeting their way through their trip to Walgreens or posting their bra colors in their status updates, white Christians are crazy about facebook status evangelism. After all, "witness" and "whiteness" are only a couple letters away.

Since the white Christian is exclusively facebook friends with other white Christians, facebook status evangelism really straddles the line between witnessing and bragging. When facebook friends see "You are King of creation and King of my life / Lord of all Lords you will be!," next to a friend's profile picture, they know that this friend has achieved the illusive expert-level of white Christendom. These types of status update are on par with raising both hands during praise songs or direct-depositing your tithes.

White Christians that encounter a friend that has achieved this level are very quick to adapt. When the status update, "Boy is it hot outside," receives zero comments and no "likes," but "Yeshua You reign on high!" gets near unanimous cyber-approval, there's no question which type of update is more likely to be repeated in the near future.

Feeling guilty about being exclusively sharing these status update nuggets of wisdom with other white Christians, white Christians have decided to evangelize the fallen facebook realms by creating fan pages. These groups typically have names like "18 Billion Strong for Christ," (despite the notable issue of a global population of just under 7 Billion and a Christian population of around 2 Billion) or "Jesus is the Lover of 5,000,000 FB souls" (128 people like this).

Interestingly, facebook is one of few social media where white Christians have not segregated sacred from secular (See Youtube/Godtube). It is frankly stunning that no white Christian has started "GoodBook," as an exclusively Christian alternative to Facebook.

While we're on the topic, if you haven't joined the SWCL fan page, please do so. If you're already a fan, share the good news with your friends. We're currently at 541 fans which is roughly 0.000001% of our goal of 13 Billion fans.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

#89 Washing Each Others Feet

White Christians are very fond of the passage in the book of John where Jesus washes his disciples' feet. This act of service has inspired youth pastors everywhere to repeat this ritual with their youth group members. These impressionable youths get the message loud and clear: serving others is gross.

Horny high school boys may disagree, as they jockey for position to wash the feet, ankles and lower calves of the one hot girl in the youth group. However, no one wants to touch 99% of the rest of those sweaty, stinky feet. While the washing of feet was a valued service in Jesus' day, what with walking in sandals all day down dusty trails, today we have shoes and socks. Feet are wonderful anatomic structures for enabling locomotion, however, while in public it is best to honor God for these gifts by keeping your feet in your shoes - out of sight and smell.

White Christians have also taken to performing this routine during their weddings. Inevitably, the ordeal runs long, the music ends, and the bride and groom scramble to get their shoes back on in silence. While waiting, everyone beyond youth group age gives thanks that they will never be required to wash someone else's feet again.