Friday, May 27, 2011
When that tray full of the elements is being passed, there's a lot at stake- including the mother of all white Christian faux paus... dropping a loud, metal tray full of the biggest stain creaters on the face of the earth- making a racket during the most contemplative, introspective moment in white Christendom, and on top of this, staining everyone within the 4 foot spash-zone radius.
With the silver tray packed to the gills with potential energy, white Christians get nervous. "Which side of my row will it come down?" asks the swivel-headed white Christian as they do the odd/even plate-passing technique mental math to determine if the plate of great stain potential is coming from their right or left.
The prequel to this logistical nightmare is the passing of the bread. This is like the plate-passing training camp. If you drop this tray... all that's at risk is a lot of noise. The grape juice, however, brings the situation to threat-level purple. There's a reason that stain-removal commercials use wine or grape juice to demonstrate "the toughest stains."
In white Christian mega-churches with theater seating, there is no "pew slide," so some white Christians are required to literally stand up and side-shuffle10-15 seats to the next person. This carefully tip-toed path is a veritable time-bomb of embarrassment. The white Christian is forced to ponder, "Will he come over to me? Should I walk it over to him? What if we both get up?" The one benefit of the Mega church is the built in excuse. White Christians are passing the tray to a complete stranger. This allows them tomentally pre-emptively blame the other guy for any mishaps.
This anxiety is not limited to the pew-sitter. It extends to the plate passer as well. "What if my passing partner (or "communi-buddy") accidentally get two plates going on the same row toward each other?" ponders the petrified volunteer. "What if I wind up with all 4 plates? I can't balance that!"
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Every year, when Christmas approaches on the calendar, white Christians enjoy several traditions to get themselves into the spirit of the season: reading Luke 2 (any other Biblical accounts of the Christmas story pales in comparison to this particular version), candlelight ceremonies, advent candles, and even pretending there's a Santa Claus. But nothing quite captures the white Christian "reason for the season" like the annual public nativity scene legality debate.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
With a nod to the Netherlands' public bicycle program, there is no need to fear that their coat will be stolen... because there is no motivation to steal. Since the white Christian coat market has been saturated and everyone already has their own black double-breasted pea coat, any temptation to steal has been suppressed.
The black double-breasted pea coat is the white Christian's best guess as to the earthly version of a heavenly choir robe. They're unisex, simple, stylish, and timeless. An 80 year old woman and a 13 year old girl could wear the same coat to church, and not think anything of it. What other article of clothing can make such a bold claim?
Saturday, November 20, 2010
The Bible is filled with people who followed God's will, only to be put in fiery furnaces, beheaded, stoned, or crucified. Naturally, many white Christians interpret this to mean that if they put their faith in God, they will be rewarded with health and wealth all of their days.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Take John 15:5 for instance. If you've ever memorized this verse previously, try to navigate through this verbal mine-field: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man person remain in me and I in him him/her, he he/she will bear much fruit."
This rote-memory-vs.-newer-version-conundrum mirrors the familiar public Lord's Prayer indecision. When attending a non-native church and the Lord's Prayer is liturgically spoken, the white Christian is always forced to wonder, is it "Forgive us our..."
- "Debts as we forgive our debtors?"
- "Trespasses as those who trespass against us?"
- "Sins as we forgive those who sin against us?"
More than just making Biblical laymenpeople into gender neutral eunuchs, these white Christians have the castrated cajones to turn God into a woman. Using that one reference in Isaiah, this father/mother God is little more than a back-door approach toward women serving in church office- "Hey... if God is father/MOTHER, then maybe it's not such a bad thing for Barb to serve as an Elder."
On the other end of the white Christian spectrum, you have the literalists who not only use the Father symbolism, they literally picture God the Father as a dude: Beard. Flowing robe. Sandals. He's viewed as a really old man floating on a cloud and taking care of things on earth below. These people might even blasphemously refer to their Creator as "The Big Man Upstairs."
Saturday, October 16, 2010
As much as the white Christian loves candy, he isn't about to celebrate the occult in order to satisfy his sweet tooth on October 31st. Besides, there is another holiday falling on the same day as Halloween that is every bit as much fun: Reformation Day.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
After switching from legalism to license, not only do you get to do anything you want without judgment from your fellow believers, you also get to feel a sense of superiority over legalistic Christians. These white Christians quickly transition from being thankful that they aren't like those sinners who watch Jersey Shore and go to the mall on Sundays to thanking God that they're not like those smug pharisees.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
White Christians will not rest until every man, woman, and child attends church on Sunday morning. The young have to go - their parents make them. People with families will be there - where else will they meet other people with kids? But the people in between, those aged 18-29, are no where to be found. After years of hand wringing, white Christians have finally found a solution: hipster churches.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Envious white Christians have been known to attempt to accelerate the time-wearing process by treating their personal Bible with reckless abandon. As long as no other white Christian witnesses this abuse, that Bible'll be looking appropriately worn in no time.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Since the white Christian is exclusively facebook friends with other white Christians, facebook status evangelism really straddles the line between witnessing and bragging. When facebook friends see "You are King of creation and King of my life / Lord of all Lords you will be!," next to a friend's profile picture, they know that this friend has achieved the illusive expert-level of white Christendom. These types of status update are on par with raising both hands during praise songs or direct-depositing your tithes.
Feeling guilty about being exclusively sharing these status update nuggets of wisdom with other white Christians, white Christians have decided to evangelize the fallen facebook realms by creating fan pages. These groups typically have names like "18 Billion Strong for Christ," (despite the notable issue of a global population of just under 7 Billion and a Christian population of around 2 Billion) or "Jesus is the Lover of 5,000,000 FB souls" (128 people like this).