Friday, December 2, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
#108 Communion Plate Passing Anxiety
When that tray full of the elements is being passed, there's a lot at stake- including the mother of all white Christian faux paus... dropping a loud, metal tray full of the biggest stain creaters on the face of the earth- making a racket during the most contemplative, introspective moment in white Christendom, and on top of this, staining everyone within the 4 foot spash-zone radius.
With the silver tray packed to the gills with potential energy, white Christians get nervous. "Which side of my row will it come down?" asks the swivel-headed white Christian as they do the odd/even plate-passing technique mental math to determine if the plate of great stain potential is coming from their right or left.
The prequel to this logistical nightmare is the passing of the bread. This is like the plate-passing training camp. If you drop this tray... all that's at risk is a lot of noise. The grape juice, however, brings the situation to threat-level purple. There's a reason that stain-removal commercials use wine or grape juice to demonstrate "the toughest stains."
In white Christian mega-churches with theater seating, there is no "pew slide," so some white Christians are required to literally stand up and side-shuffle10-15 seats to the next person. This carefully tip-toed path is a veritable time-bomb of embarrassment. The white Christian is forced to ponder, "Will he come over to me? Should I walk it over to him? What if we both get up?" The one benefit of the Mega church is the built in excuse. White Christians are passing the tray to a complete stranger. This allows them tomentally pre-emptively blame the other guy for any mishaps.
This anxiety is not limited to the pew-sitter. It extends to the plate passer as well. "What if my passing partner (or "communi-buddy") accidentally get two plates going on the same row toward each other?" ponders the petrified volunteer. "What if I wind up with all 4 plates? I can't balance that!"
Monday, December 20, 2010
Stuff White Christians LINK: Sesame Street Christmas Pageant
Saturday, December 11, 2010
#107 The Annual Public Nativity Scene Legality Debate
Every year, when Christmas approaches on the calendar, white Christians enjoy several traditions to get themselves into the spirit of the season: reading Luke 2 (any other Biblical accounts of the Christmas story pales in comparison to this particular version), candlelight ceremonies, advent candles, and even pretending there's a Santa Claus. But nothing quite captures the white Christian "reason for the season" like the annual public nativity scene legality debate.
Tournament of Like
Saturday, December 4, 2010
New Tournament of Like!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
#106 Black Double-Breasted Pea Coats
With a nod to the Netherlands' public bicycle program, there is no need to fear that their coat will be stolen... because there is no motivation to steal. Since the white Christian coat market has been saturated and everyone already has their own black double-breasted pea coat, any temptation to steal has been suppressed.
The black double-breasted pea coat is the white Christian's best guess as to the earthly version of a heavenly choir robe. They're unisex, simple, stylish, and timeless. An 80 year old woman and a 13 year old girl could wear the same coat to church, and not think anything of it. What other article of clothing can make such a bold claim?
Saturday, November 20, 2010
#105 Health and Wealth
The Bible is filled with people who followed God's will, only to be put in fiery furnaces, beheaded, stoned, or crucified. Naturally, many white Christians interpret this to mean that if they put their faith in God, they will be rewarded with health and wealth all of their days.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
#104 Telling People That They're Going to Hell
Saturday, November 6, 2010
#103 Fill-in-the-Blank Sermon Notes
Saturday, October 30, 2010
#102 Vague Bible Quotes
Saturday, October 23, 2010
#101 Gender Neutrality
Take John 15:5 for instance. If you've ever memorized this verse previously, try to navigate through this verbal mine-field: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man person remain in me and I in him him/her, he he/she will bear much fruit."
This rote-memory-vs.-newer-version-conundrum mirrors the familiar public Lord's Prayer indecision. When attending a non-native church and the Lord's Prayer is liturgically spoken, the white Christian is always forced to wonder, is it "Forgive us our..."
- "Debts as we forgive our debtors?"
- "Trespasses as those who trespass against us?"
- "Sins as we forgive those who sin against us?"
More than just making Biblical laymenpeople into gender neutral eunuchs, these white Christians have the castrated cajones to turn God into a woman. Using that one reference in Isaiah, this father/mother God is little more than a back-door approach toward women serving in church office- "Hey... if God is father/MOTHER, then maybe it's not such a bad thing for Barb to serve as an Elder."
On the other end of the white Christian spectrum, you have the literalists who not only use the Father symbolism, they literally picture God the Father as a dude: Beard. Flowing robe. Sandals. He's viewed as a really old man floating on a cloud and taking care of things on earth below. These people might even blasphemously refer to their Creator as "The Big Man Upstairs."