Saturday, August 28, 2010

#93 Worn Bible Envy

Since the advent of theater seating, Bibles have been progressively been removed from the sanctuary. The pew slot no longer exists for congregations to pick up the Bible on the fly.

While the removal of the Word of the Lord from the hands of believers might seem like a negative to the outside observer, there is a silver-lining to this bizzaro-Gutenberg cloud- it encourages white Christians to bring their personal Bible from home. This home Bible has proven to be the ultimate status symbol of white Christendom.

While some white Christians merely lean on the PowerPointed scripture, expert level white Christians proudly flash their personal, devotional Bibles that have been ravaged by time, the elements, and in what can only be described as "extreme devotional use." The once smooth leather cover is cracked, tarnished, and perhaps even contains some sort of make-shift adhesive to hold things together.

This weathered Bible has been on countless retreats with varying levels of paper-warping moisture and general grit. The phrase "paper-thin" really doesn't do justice to the page width of your average Bible. Tissue- level width is really a more accurate description... and tissue is not the most durable of material. Ripped pages, frayed edges, or even broken binding is par for the course.

Pieces of bulletin notes from a thousand sermons are crammed in between pages, placing undue stress on the Good Book's delicate binding. Flipping open to any passage will reveal scribbled notes within the margins and highlighted text.

Some white Christian churches even have liturgy that designates time in worship for white Christians to showcase their person Bibles:

Envious white Christians have been known to attempt to accelerate the time-wearing process by treating their personal Bible with reckless abandon. As long as no other white Christian witnesses this abuse, that Bible'll be looking appropriately worn in no time.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

#92 Sharing a Knowing Glance

For white Christians that are weak enough to be married, the intimacy of marriage allows them to know virtually every miniscule detail about their mate. While this level of knowledge brings the couple close, it also allows each mate to use this data for their own gain.

When the pastor makes a point, this is prime-time for sharing a knowing glance. A wife turns, raises a single eyebrow, and smirks at husband as if to say, "See??" or "I told you so," or "Remember when you did that exact thing?"

This can go back and forth over any topic, including inside jokes, taking scripture out of context for humorous purposes, or legitimately trying to prove a point to your mate.

Depending on the severity of the connection, the knowing glance may sometimes be accompanied by an "I told you so" smirk or even a gentle elbow nudge to the ribs. If a husband's arm is around his wife, a specific pastor comment might induce a friendly shoulder-rub to communicate that extra level of non-verbal "I'm right."

The ultimate back-and-forth marital knowing glance sermon is when Ephesians 5 roles around. This is a veritable ping-pong match of knowing glances. Undoubtedly, wives will face a knowing glance upon hearing "Wives submit to your husbands." This is the key piece of Biblical evidence that every white Christian husband needs to support his claim that "it's not a big deal" that his dirty socks are piling up on the bedroom floor.

However sweet it is, the husband's victory is short-lived as his temporary gloat-glance is interrupted by the continuation of the passage, "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church." When this line is uttered, his world crumbles. His wife's knowing glance is radiant. Long before WWJD bracelets, this century's old glance indicated to husbands that, "I'll tell you exactly what Jesus would be doing-picking up his socks off of the bedroom floor!"

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Stuff White Christians LINK: 2nd Amendment Bible

Kudos to the Onion for yet another funny article (here).

Saturday, August 14, 2010

#91 The End Times

For some white Christians, the Gospels and Letters of the New Testament are a little tame. Miracles, people rising from the dead, casting out demons? These white Christians shrug their shoulders and yawn. They prefer their devotionals to be filled with the terrifying dragons, beasts, and horsemen of Revelation.

There are plenty of theological disagreements among white Christians concerning the other "boring" books of the New Testament that are relatively straight forward, so a book as puzzling as Revelation allows for many possible interpretations. Revelation has inspired countless white Christians of the more crazed variety to come up with fantastical exegeses and post them on the internet. The symbolism and cryptic nature this prophetic book guarantee that they can never be proven wrong.

To save you, dear reader, the time of researching the internet's consensus on the meaning of the prophesies of Revelation, here's a summary: the Free Masons are using vaccines and the Large Hadron Collider to control our minds, ensuring that the Antichrist (Jim Tressel) is installed as ruler of the one world government within the next few weeks. If that doesn't happen, don't worry, any combination of earthquakes or floods and the latest news from Israel will signal a cascade of events leading to a different Antichrist taking power and tattooing a bar code onto our foreheads.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

#90 Facebook Status Evangelism

When they aren't tweeting their way through their trip to Walgreens or posting their bra colors in their status updates, white Christians are crazy about facebook status evangelism. After all, "witness" and "whiteness" are only a couple letters away.

Since the white Christian is exclusively facebook friends with other white Christians, facebook status evangelism really straddles the line between witnessing and bragging. When facebook friends see "You are King of creation and King of my life / Lord of all Lords you will be!," next to a friend's profile picture, they know that this friend has achieved the illusive expert-level of white Christendom. These types of status update are on par with raising both hands during praise songs or direct-depositing your tithes.

White Christians that encounter a friend that has achieved this level are very quick to adapt. When the status update, "Boy is it hot outside," receives zero comments and no "likes," but "Yeshua You reign on high!" gets near unanimous cyber-approval, there's no question which type of update is more likely to be repeated in the near future.

Feeling guilty about being exclusively sharing these status update nuggets of wisdom with other white Christians, white Christians have decided to evangelize the fallen facebook realms by creating fan pages. These groups typically have names like "18 Billion Strong for Christ," (despite the notable issue of a global population of just under 7 Billion and a Christian population of around 2 Billion) or "Jesus is the Lover of 5,000,000 FB souls" (128 people like this).

Interestingly, facebook is one of few social media where white Christians have not segregated sacred from secular (See Youtube/Godtube). It is frankly stunning that no white Christian has started "GoodBook," as an exclusively Christian alternative to Facebook.

While we're on the topic, if you haven't joined the SWCL fan page, please do so. If you're already a fan, share the good news with your friends. We're currently at 541 fans which is roughly 0.000001% of our goal of 13 Billion fans.