Saturday, May 29, 2010

#80 Post-Worship Refreshments

As their pastor wraps up the third point of the sermon, and begins down the all-too-familiar application trail, there's a lot on the white Christian's mind: the roast in the oven, the getaway car and cleaning up the legions of candy wrappers that were unsheathed prior to the long prayer. But while all of these things have the potential to distract white Christians, nothing gratifies as immediately as post-worship refreshments.

Upon exiting the sanctuary (or worship center) white Christians descend like vultures on the sugary smorgasbord of coffee, cookies, and lemonade.

Adults drink coffee regardless of temperature. Many white Christian churches continue to omit air conditioning, viewing it as a "worldly luxury" rather than the heaven-sent miracle that it actually is. On many summer Sundays, the church climate can rival that of the Sahara. This heat may be glimpse of what Hell must be like, but that doesn't stop the consumption of scalding-hot coffee after the service. Even as beads of sweat form on the upper lip of said coffee-drinker, the white Christian is still able to critique the sermon during "fellowship time."

White Christians are simple folk- they like their coffee hot, their cookies sweet, and their lemonade so tart that taste-buds swell on contact to triple their normal size. The typical white Christian lemonade recipe consists of 20% water, 40% sugar, and 50% tart. Astute readers will note that this percentage breakdown actually produces 110%- which, coincidentally, is exactly what the volunteers that have prepared the drink, give every Sunday. One sip of this lemony goodness will reflexively pucker the white Christian's lips, preparing them for any necessary holy kisses during fellowship time.

Finally, post-worship refreshments are a great opportunity for the volunteer women's group that is responsible for all baked goods within a 200 foot radius of the sanctuary to unload excess inventory. As a part of post-worship refreshment, white Christians can expect to see leftover bake sale brownies adjacent to Christmas paper napkins presented up to and including the month of March. Typically, by the end of the sermon, white Christians are jonesing for a sugar fix bad enough that they are willing to look beyond the seasonal decor faux pas.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

#79 Home Church

Many white Christians choose to home school their children. The next logical step toward complete domination over their children's upbringing is home church. By avoiding any and all interaction with "outsiders," white Christian parents can ensure that their kids reach adulthood completely unaware of differing views.

A self-proclaimed, non-ordained pastor/dad typically leads the family and the worship services. As opposed to regular churches that follow specific doctrines, this pastor just preaches "straight from the Bible." Because this quasi-clergyman is intimately involved in the lives of his congregation/family, the sermons can be tailored specifically to the needs of those in attendance - such as sermons about the evils of taking super long showers when someone is waiting to use the bathroom.

White Christians crave authenticity and since early Christians met in homes, home church is automatically a much more genuine worship experience. An added bonus: if white Christians can manage to work from home in addition to home schooling and home churching, they will never have any need to change out of their pajamas.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

#78 Church Shopping

Whenever a white Christian family moves to a new area or becomes fed up with the hymn/praise song ratio of their current church, they begin the ritual of church shopping.

Like conventional shopping, church shopping is about encountering new and exciting things that you believe will solve all your problems. Unlike regular shopping, church shopping progresses at the speed of one hour per week, requires the survival of hundreds of digit-crushing handshakes, and typically takes months or even years to complete.

Church shoppers get all the benefits of church attendance - three point sermons, fellowship, and post service refreshments, all without ever being asked to do nursery duty, visit old people, or even tithe - since white Christian churches ask only that they fill out the visitor form and place it in the offering plate.

Not all church shoppers are leaving a home church for greener pastures. Many are "seekers" - unchurched folks looking for their very first church. Seekers are among of the most coveted type of visitors, second only to minority visitors. Naturally, to attract these seekers, white Christian churches will abandon everything current members liked about the church in order to become "seeker friendly," thus creating a whole new group of church shoppers.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Stuff White Christians LINK: "Sunday's Coming"

A delightful parody of contemporary worship. A hat tip to SWCL fan Eric and to the Heidelblog.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

#77 Testimony Jealousy

With stories as bland as their skin tones, the vast majority of white Christians have pretty vanilla stories about their conversion to Christianity. These testimonies are typically linked to Sunday school, catechism, or even not really knowing when or where their conversion experience occurred.

Stories typically include phrases like, "When I was like 9 years old, I pretty much decided that I didn't want to go to Hell..." or "I don't really know the exact day that I became a Christian- it just sort of happened when I was a kid at some point."

These run-of-the-mill testimonies pale in comparison to the exciting testimony of the tattooed Biker-for-Christ that had a deathbed conversion after a near heroin OD in prison. These testimonies always end with expressions like, (in grizzled tone) "After burning through all kinds of Hell, being clinically dead for 8 minutes, and staring the grim reaper in the face, I finally decided that I had to ride this hog for the Big Man upstairs."

As these bandanna-ed Brethren dispatch their particular brand of cowboy wisdom, observant white Christians will notice that, in the time since their conversion, the Biker-for-Christ has had some additional tattoo work done. X-treme faith themed tattoos now cover up previously gang-related and/or racist tattoos. It's not uncommon for a crucifix to be covering up the stars and bars.

While the X-treme testimony is definitely in the minority, every Sunday School convert secretly longs for a testimony like this- but they don't actually want to live the bad parts. This leaves the white Christian in a conundrum.

Of course, all X-treme testimonies are held to the gold standard of conversion stories- Saul's conversion on the road to Damascus. We're relatively confident that Saul/Paul didn't have tatted arms or wear leather, but that guy has the testimony by which all others are measured.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Stuff White Christians LINK: LipDub at Calvin College

We're suckers for the Martin Scorsese shot... and this occurred on a Christian College campus. Oh... and their mascot is NOT the Crusaders.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

#76 Trips to the Holyland

If you're a sports fan, you can only watch so many games on TV before you want to go to the arena and see your team live and in person. That's exactly why so many white Christians save up their non-tithed money to purchase a trip to the Big Show- the Holyland.

There's really nothing like the Holyland. Where else could you see a mosque that's built on top of a church that's built on top of a synagogue (and likely another mosque)?

White Christians touch down in the Holyland armed with the desire for a life-changing experience and to walk where Jesus walked. These Judah journeymen hike, read, and sweat their way through the settings of many a Bible story. Mandatory traveling companions include: a loved one, a canteen, a Bible, a journal, and several water-tight plastic vials to harvest some holy water. If even one vial of authentic Holyland holy water can make it home safely, the next newborn in that extended family is sure to be baptized with some of En Gedi's finest. It certainly beats those sweatshop vials that Benny Hinn pimps on his telethons.

Those without the financial means to physically encounter the Show firsthand have no doubt lived vicariously through their favorite Reformed Rabbi, Ray Vander Laan. Rabbi Ray's "That the World May Know" video series is standard issue for white Christian adult education classes. It takes a video walk through the Holyland. Hardcore white Christians own the entire series on VHS.

It's unfortunate for many of today's passport punching prayer warriors that the cradle of civilization, and the home of three of the world's major religions didn't occur on a plot of land that is a little more resort friendly, and a little less apocalyptic. It's not uncommon for Holyland trips to be cancelled at the last minute due to some "unresolved political conflict" between a few of the countries in the area. We're not really sure what they're fighting about, but here's hoping they figure it out real soon!