Saturday, April 24, 2010

#75 The Correct Version of the Bible

If there's one thing white Christians are sure of, it's that the correct version of the Bible is much better than all the other versions. The correct version accurately translates the word of God into English, while all others either fall woefully short or are down right heretical. Although the Bible includes Hebrew and Greek idioms that do not translate into English, it is without doubt that the translators of the correct version have chosen the very parallel expressions that would be favored by the original writer.

The correct version of the Bible is and shall always be the best translation, its perfection will never be surpassed by any future versions. The main reason for this is definitely not that white Christians have spent hundreds of hours memorizing Bible verses in this translation and would hate to have to start all over, but completely due to the flawlessness of the correct version.

Because the superiority of the correct version is so pronounced, the white Christian who is given a copy of one of the wrong versions of the Bible finds himself in quite the predicament. This Bible is useless to him for teaching and rebuking, but he can't give it away, lest he corrupt the beneficiary. You can't throw away a Bible (even one of dubious authenticity), so this white Christian will be forced to keep it hidden away from all impressionable souls in a cardboard box in the basement.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

#74 "Crusaders" as a Christian School Mascot

When white Christians start a Christian school, they inevitably enter into one of the great paradoxes of white Christianity: how do you make a Biblically sound yet intimidating mascot for your sports teams with a religion famous for "turning the other cheek"? The Immanuel Lutheran Cheek-Turners? The Blessed Meek? We think not!

Frequently, schools will turn to Eagles (
Isaiah 40). But even more frequently, they turn to Crusaders. If you're unfamiliar with the Crusades, then you probably grew up in a white Christian community- this topic isn't necessarily their favorite thing to discuss. Basically, the Crusades were yet another chapter in the millenia-long Christian/Muslim Holy War. If the shoe were on the other foot, this is somewhat akin to a Muslim academy taking on "the Jihad" as a mascot.

There's really no Biblical evidence to support the choice of "Crusader"... but it sure is intimidating. What's strikes more fear into opponents' hearts: some majestic bird, or a murdering, medieval Christian soldier on a holy war?

While this like of "The Crusaders" flies in the face of all of the positives gained on retreats, they do it anyway. Christian schools without the chutzpah to go the full Crusader monte simply compromise with "Knights" or "Chargers," but the retain the subtle nuances of the Crusader logo.

**SWCL contest: who can come up with the best Christian school mascot?**

Moses Threw it on the Ground

In recent months, it's become popular to throw it on the ground. Today, SWCL give props to the OG of throwing it on the ground- Moses (here and here).

Props to SWCL fan Alex for the inspiration for this link. He shared this connection on his twitter account. You can follow SWCL on twitter

Saturday, April 10, 2010

#73 Prayer Chains

White Christians have an insatiable need to know the goings on of all of their fellow church members. You might think that seeing everyone at church on Sundays, every week day at the Christian school next door, and at Wednesday night ministries would be enough to gather the necessary information, but white Christians need more.

Enter the prayer chain - the Facebook of non-internet using white Christians. If someone has some exciting or devastating news that simply cannot wait, they pull out the church directory and call the next person in their prayer network to get the news (and prayers) going. No, this person's number will not be in their cell phone - prayer chain phone calls can only be made using a land line.

"Pray for Bob and Mary and their daughter, Haley - she's pregnant..." the prayer chain initiator will say, adding in hushed tones: "It's out of wedlock... not that I'm judging." This gossip prayer request will spread like wild fire, stopping only when it reaches the person in the chain just ahead of Bob and Mary.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

#72 Guest Pastors

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone? White Christians have a complex relationship with their pastors. While they love their pastor, they have (ideally) a full hour every week to observe and analyze every move he makes. All this combined with the white Christian like of gossip lead to a very interesting give-and-take.

This complicated relationship is only brought into clearer focus when the pastor is away. While the guest pastor occupies the pulpit, white Christians can observe this non-indigenous species that has wandered into their ecosystem.

Their regular pastor has a unique set of pastoral idiosyncrasies, familiar gestures and phrases, and verbal crutches that go completely unnoticed until a guest pastor comes to town. Suddenly, the congregation yearns for the previously intolerable "ums, "ahhs," and "you knows." In fact, there's a good percentage of the white Christian congregation that will use the guest pastor week as an opportunity to skip church. "After all," reasons the well-rested sleeping in white Christian, "If the pastor's taking a week away from church, then so can I."

Actually, come to think of it, white Christians don't really like guest pastors, but they DO enjoy how much guest pastors make them appreciate their current pastor.