Saturday, March 27, 2010

#71 5K's

Few activities show the white Christian's verve-ice for service like 5K runs.  With water bottles, anti-chaffing nipple tape, verbal encouragement, and first-time exercisers, this is a can't-miss event.  5K run/walks are a staple of many modern white Christian churches.

5K races allow Church volunteers to distribute t-shirts with a logo that was designed by some kid in a high school graphic design class.  This shirt will definitely contain a reference to Hebrews 12: "Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."  Of course, by "race," they're referring to a distance of 5K, and by "marked out for us," they are referring to street course that has been marked out by church volunteers and local police officers (or at least the cops who are also deacons at the church).

The measurement of the race in kilometers as opposed to miles allows the white Christian to feel more internationally plugged in.  Where possible, white Christians always prefer measurements in the metric system (SWCL fun fact: the average white Christian communion uses precisely 6 milliliters of grape juice!).  Besides, "5K" sounds a lot better than "3.10685596 Miles ."  For those in the congregation that are out of shape, the 5K ignorance is bliss.  An unknown distance allows for the faithful fatties to attempt to run the race (albeit with limited perseverance). 

Furthermore, there's always the remote possibility that a member of the congregation will interpret "5K" to mean 5 thousand- as in a $5,000 donation to the church.  It's not very likely, but the church can hope.  It is for this reason that some ambitious white Christian churches attempt a 10K race.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

#70 Making Non-Cash Donations


White Christians may meet their stewardship quota by tithing, but their most joyful giving comes in the form of non-cash donations of stuff they no longer want. Second hand stores like Goodwill or the Salvation Army are the recipients of worn out clothes and old VHS tapes, but the best junk is reserved for the church.

Anything hand made is too highly valued to be thrown in the Goodwill pile. Besides, cross stitching doesn't garner much in the way of a tax deduction. However, white Christians follow the belief that the bigger the gift the better, so their favorite donation is furniture.

Outdated furniture, whether an end table, sagging sofa, or plaid lazy boy, is typically considered to be "too nice" for the thrift shop and will be dropped off at the church. These unsolicited items will then find a home in some out of the way area of the church such as the youth room or the nursing mothers' room (after being doused with Febreze), where they will remain until Jesus comes again. The floral couch and nicked up coffee table that weren't good enough for this philanthropist's living room must never be thrown out, lest the donor or descendants thereof be offended.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

#69 Sign Language Girls

A curious mutation in deaf ministries has evolved into white Christians' infatuation with sign language girls.

With church services having increased time and emphasis on praise music, the deaf in the congregation had been left in the cold- the lonely, silent, music-less cold. White Christians naturally determined that the deaf needed a ministry that would allow them to worship along with those who could hear. Enter: sign language girls.

These demonstrative divas are the visible embodiment of the previously invisible praise music. Not only do sign language girls enable the deaf to participate in worship, but they allow white Christians who are uncomfortable motioning during more peppy praise songs to motion vicariously through these lovely ladies. Curiously, while the sign language girls will freely sign during praise music, they don't sign during the sermon. Sorry deaf people- now you can "hear" the songs, but not the sermon.

Sign language performances are limited exclusively to females who genetically possess the rhythmic, interpretive gesturing ability that most white Christian men sorely lack. Besides-white Christians of both genders would much rather look at women at the front of their church. You will never see a man signing at the front of a white Christian church.

The most advanced white Christian churches will have an American Sign Language certified sign language girl on retainer for special worship services and praise music experiences.

Friday, March 5, 2010

#68 Using Stewardship as an Excuse to be Cheap


For many white Christians, giving a tenth of their income guarantees their status as good stewards. Others insist that everything belongs God and feel the need to be good stewards of all they have. You might think this would involve sacrificial giving of their finances and time, but stewardship is more commonly used by white Christians as an excuse for being cheap.

Being a good steward allows the white Christian to save money that otherwise would have been wasted on other people. It is much easier to justify purchasing the 99 cent sympathy card instead of the $3.99 card for a bereaved friend when it is seen as an opportunity to display stewardship. White Christians often feel the call of stewardship when dining out - not while selecting the restaurant, mind you, but when calculating the tip to within a penny of 15%.

Good stewardship isn't limited to the individual, but is an aspiration for all Christian organizations. White Christian churches model stewardship for the congregation by purchasing paper thin (and paper tasting) wafers for communion instead of real bread which would be very costly, possibly approaching pennies per person.