Saturday, February 27, 2010

#67 Superficial Lent Sacrifices

Every year as winter turns to spring, white Christians begin their annual tradition of giving up something for Lent. The Lenten season is meant as a season of fasting and penitence in preparation for Easter. Traditionally, personal sacrifices are made during this time in attempt to bring Christians closer to God.  

It's also the time of year where white Christians are sure to give up something completely insignificant for Lent like chocolate, cheese, or cola. Lenten sacrifices are frequently a delightful hybrid of sacred covenant and dietary convenience.  Food sacrifices combined with it's calendar convenience (only a few weeks after they abandoned the original resolution), make Lent the white Christian's "New Years Resolution 2.0." Why are they willing to make such sacrifices? Because abstaining from chocolate is an exact parallel to the suffering that Jesus endured on the cross.

Many white Christians get peer-pressured into Lent.  The question "What are you giving up for lent?" is regularly asked, implying that EVERYONE gives something up for lent.  In this case, fast-thinking white Christians (typically unwilling to part with culinary delights), will cleverly give up abstract concepts such as "The rat race," or "negativity." 

Catholic white Christians often wonder why Protestant white Christians partake in something that is largely a Catholic observance.  For some unknown reason, Protestant white Christians have Lent sympathy-pains. It's the one season each year that wanna-be Catholics permeate the Protestant white Christian masses.

Hard core white Christian protestants, of course, take it up a notch and join the world's 1.14 Billion Catholics in the annual global freak-out that is the Ash Wednesday.  It's the one day each year that co-workers world-wide wonder, "What's with that guy's forehead?  Does he work in a coal mine?"

SWCL helpful hint:  For next year's Lent sacrifice, consider giving up "giving things up for lent" for lent.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

#66* Numeric Symbolism

One of the most important goals of white Christians is to have superior knowledge of the Bible as compared to their fellow believers. To gain an edge on those who merely read the most popular passages, many white Christians will become experts on the Bible's numeric symbolism.

Unfortunately, almost every number up to one hundred has some sort of spiritual meaning, making memorization quite difficult. Also, the application of this spiritual meaning easily devolves into semi-mystical obsession. The white Christian who embraces numeric symbolism soon finds himself trying to determine the exact location of the Garden of Eden by counting the verses in Lamentations and plugging the corresponding coordinates into his GPS.

Numerical symbolism is as close as white Christians get to superstition. They have no problem with walking under a ladder on Friday the 13th or smashing mirrors on black cats, but if a particular business is located at 666 Main Street they will avoid it like "Gay Days" at Disney World.

*We were going to skip post #66 for obvious reasons (that whole "number of the beast" thing), but if we simply went to post #67, we knew that our astute readers - like hotel patrons on the 14th floor who know which floor they're really on- would know the difference.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

#65 The Stealth Restaurant Prayer

The Great Commission calls Believers to make disciples of all nations.  This has driven many white Christian to "Go tell it on the mountain."  Unfortunately, the "mountain" somehow doesn't apply to restaurants.  In fact, many white Christians actually attempt to hide any outward appearance of their faith when they are in restaurants. This especially applies to the pre-meal prayer and has necessitated the invention of the stealth restaurant prayer.

The holy-habit of praying before every meal is an important routine in a white Christians life, yet, for some reason, many white Christians feel awkward doing this when they eat around others.  Enter the stealth restaurant prayer.  This prayer- the text-message equivalent of a normal prayer- fills the pre-meal prayer obligation (or "probligation") while allowing the white Christian in a restaurant to blend in with his secular surroundings like some sort praying human/chameleon hybrid. "Hide it under a bushel, YES!"

Misinterpreting the parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector to further their social comfortability, the white Christian reasons that they would rather identify with the "Publican" than the Pharisee.  This leads to a remarkably quick prayer: something along the lines of, "Lord, thanks for the food, Amen."  All unnecessary words having been removed for the sake of expediency:  "Dear Lord, thank(s) you for the food that you have provided for me.  In Jesus' name, Amen."  

To further camouflage the stealth prayer, all other recognizable outward signs of prayer are altered.  If a family is accustomed to holding hands during prayer, the restaurant version of family prayer won't include hand-holding- only muted mumbles across the table.  If the solo-dining white Christian typically closes his eyes and folds his hands for prayer, in a restaurant, a simple bow of the head and a quick eye close for 51% of the prayer will do just fine.  "Was that person praying, sneezing, or simply leaning in to savor the smell of his food?" wonders the average restaurateur witnessing a stealth prayer.

The stealth prayer can lead to some even more awkward situations- particularly in the business lunch setting.  Due to the incredibly short nature of the stealth restaurant prayer, the white Christian may try to squeeze this prayer into any number of situations including when the lunch-mate is ordering food, when the conversation turns the attention in a direction away from the table, or simply during a lull in the conversation.  If caught in mid-stealth prayer, the lunch-mate is forces to either an awkward apology, or at the very least a confused conversation stumble.

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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Faith Themed Tattoo Contest Winner

Congrats to Jaime Langley for winning the Faith Themed Tattoo Contest held on the Facebook fan page. Truly horrible tattoo. Jaime wins a free photo print from the newly redesigned! is a deal-a-day site offering fine art photography at unbelievable prices. Please check it out (I run the site) and let me know what you think of the new design.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

#64 Tithing

The white Christian's commitment to church goes beyond weekly church attendance to include a financial commitment known as tithing. People may bicker about whether to tithe on net or gross income, but the beauty of tithing is that once a white Christian has given his 10% he can then spend the other 90% on junk food and video games and still be a good steward.

For the white Christian pastor, preaching on the subject of tithing is fraught with peril, due to the potential conflicts of interest. While tiptoeing around the issue to avoid scaring away each and every visitor, a pastor will frequently mention the blessings that accompany tithing. This is usually construed by white Christians to mean that tithing is something like a Christian stock market, only with guaranteed returns.

Few things make a white Christian as sick to his stomach as the sight of deacons passing around the offering plates just as he realizes the checkbook has been forgotten at home. He has a few options at this point: just pass the plate quickly with his head down, drop in cash (forgoing the tax deduction?!?), or, the most clever of all, drop in an empty special offering envelope.

White Christians could avoid all this drama by simply signing up for direct deposit of their tithe. However, it appears that most white Christians trust their church with their souls but not their bank account numbers.