Saturday, January 30, 2010

#63 Polarized Nursery Philosophies: New School

There are two distinctly different philosophies in white Christian church nurseries around the world. Stuff White Christians Like continues this in-depth, two-week study of these differences, their positives and negatives.

Week 2: The New School

Toys
Safe, learning-oriented, and eco-friendly toys were purchased, not donated (anything donated is promptly forwarded to the homeless). More laboratory than nursery, the new school represents an intentional 180 degree pendulum swing away from the old school. In a video-monitored environment that can best be described as sterile, the new school is full of padded floors, rounded corners, and pristine cleanliness. These "nurseries" are literally just a fume hood and a an eye bath away from qualifying for full-fledged laboratory status.

Germs
For germs, if ignorance is bliss in the old school model, the new school intentionally seeks and destroys all known germs. At the end of each nursery session, all toys that have come into contact with homo sapiens are isolated and hermetically sealed. Nursery staff then takes all tainted items to the church's toy autoclave for complete antibacterial cleansing.

Due to potential choking hazards, the new school philosophy frowns on any food within a 10 foot radius of children. There are some acceptable snack options, but these are limited to bite-size, dissolvable, gluten-free, allergy-aware, soy-based quasi-food.

Security
The new school separates age groups into distinct sections: infants and toddlers. Each unique age group has a specified nursery ecosystem that is developmentally appropriate for all physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. This is in stark contrast to the old school where there is simply "the nursery," and children ranging from infants through third grade are cattle-prodded into their one-size-fits-all cell for an hour-long term.

Furthermore, all children are tracked with the meticulous precision of a FedEx package (perhaps the reason that many white Christians refer to babies as "bundles of joy"). Children are literally given stick-on name-tag labels with barcodes. On the plus side, the barcodes ensure that white Christian parents won't accidentally bring home the wrong child. On the other hand, barcodes inch the nursery experience dangerously close to 1984.

New School Positives:
Churches have removed any potential legal liability inherent in child care, and parents can rest assured that their child will live through the nursery experience- though the restaurant-like buzzer system will likely call them out of worship the nanosecond that their child emits the slightest whimper.

New School Negatives:
We're relatively confident that our society is raising a nation of wimps.

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Saturday, January 23, 2010

#62 Polarized Nursery Philosophies: Old School

There are two distinctly different philosophies in white Christian church nurseries around the world. Stuff White Christians Like takes an in-depth, two-week study of these differences, their positives and negatives.

Week 1: The Old School

Toys:
Toys were donated to the nursery sometime in the mid 80's. The church nursery staff was grateful for these toys, placed them in a bin, and haven't thought much about them since. In the years that have passed since the Reagan administration, these fuzzy germ-ridden bacteria traps have literally absorbed generations of
infant drool, mucus, and other bodily fluids.

Germs:
The germs born as a result of these fluids have the luxury of incubating in the disease-friendly wooden toy box that was donated to the church nursery by one of the handimen in the congregation. This box has been constructed with authentic American lumber, fastened together with metal screws and finger-pinching metal hinges. In addition to featuring splinters and sharp-angle toddler falling hazards, this box acts as the perfect germ catalyst- constantly maintaining the ideal environment for legions of bacteria to thrive.

Security:
Old School nursery duty is typically in the quasi-capable hands of junior-high girls. Unfortunately, these volunteers are not necessarily the most reliable workers, and won't always (wo)man their post. In the case of an empty nursery, parents are surprisingly comfortable with this situation- they drop their children into this biosphere whether there are people to watch their children or not. "After all," reasons the white Christian parent, "the nursery is where children belong- much like ducks belong in a marsh or cows belong in a pasture." Ironically, both cows and ducks are likely visible in painted mural on the cinderblock wall of the nursery.

Old School Positives:
In an ironic Darwin-esque twist of fate, if your child can survive the litany of choking, falling, splintering, and bio-hazards of this nursery experience, it is likely that he or she will posses a near super-human immune system. The old school definitely subscribes to the "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" Nietzschean child care philosophy. Additionally, there are claims by the elderly members of the congregation (though these claims have not been scientifically verified) that this nursery format "builds character."

Old School Negatives:
Your infant might die.

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Stuff White Christians LINK: Secret Bible Coded Jesus Rifles

Secret Bible codes? Jesus Rifles? Hound of Heaven? Waaa?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

And the winner is...

Wilhelmina Peppermints!

The ever-last Dutch favorites dethroned the King... beating King Peppermints by a score of 11 to 5. 

Wilhelmina is officially the preferred church-time mint of white Christians (though some have proposed that Altoid might be a formidable foe).

Saturday, January 16, 2010

#61 Christian Athletes


White Christians love celebrities as much as anyone, especially if there's a chance that someone famous might share their faith. They are quick to embrace anyone who mentions God in public as one of their own. Unfortunately, "Christian" celebrities usually disappoint.

The only "Christian" celebrities in existence today appear to be Jon and Kate Gosselin, Heidi and Spencer Pratt, and Jessica Simpson. Because of the constant revelations of questionable behavior by these individuals, such as Heidi's "nude witnessing" in Playboy, white Christians turn instead to Christian athletes for their role models.

The criteria for an athlete to be known throughout Christendom as a believer are not very strict - thanking God (or the "Big Guy") in post-game interview or dropping to a knee to pray after a touchdown will do it. White Christians everywhere will then cheer for this athlete and he will be featured on the cover of Sports Spectrum magazine, despite any recent reports of positive drug tests, illegitimate children, or strip club beatings. Once they're in, they're in - the athlete will remain a upstanding disciple in the minds of white Christians despite any and all indiscretions up to a double homicide.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

#60 The Long Prayer

If brevity is the soul of wit, then longevity is the soul of effective corporate prayer. No white Christian church service would be quite complete without the long prayer.

The long prayer takes up an inordinate percentage of the total worship time allotment (up to 1/6th of the entire worship experience), and only the highest level of expert white Christian has the mental stamina to remain focused for the duration of this specimen. This is why the astute white Christian mother will preempt the long prayer by distracting her family with church candy. Assuming that the purse's church candy supply has not been depleted during the offertory and/or special music, the candy is distributed to her children and husband. The candy acts as a deterrent for both prayer-time misbehavior and prayer-time sleep. White Christian mothers will use similar distraction tactics- or "dis-tractics"- prior to the passing of the communion plates.

If the gum or mint does not have the Wilhelminan longevity to keep up with the length of the prayer, many white Christians that don't have expert level long prayer stamina pass the time counting the specks of paint on the tile floor. This move gives the prayer-time "peekers" the perception that observe the hunched over white Christian that he or she is deep in prayer.

Finally, since the church bulletin went to press late Friday, the long prayer is also a great way for the pastor to squeeze in some congregational announcements that might have occurred after the bulletin's printing. "Lord, thank you for being with the Walter family during Bob's father's heart operation yesterday," updates the prayerful pastor in what is definitely a bold move. Not only was the congregation not aware of Bob's father's heart condition or need for medical procedure- the overwhelming majority of white Christian church membership can only vaguely recall that this person even exists. He might have been that one bald guy that wore the piano-key tie to his grandson's baptism three years ago... but if it's not, the congregation is forced to ask themselves, "What 'chu prayin' 'bout, Pastor?"

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Saturday, January 2, 2010

#59 Reading Through the Bible in One Year


In addition to the normal New Year's resolutions like losing weight and getting organized, white Christians all resolve to spend more time reading the Bible each year. However, expert-level (and wannabe expert-level) white Christians take this up a notch and pledge to read the entire Bible in one calendar year. If completed, this is the biggest accomplishment a white Christian can achieve in a single year.
Those that undertake this challenge quickly find that it is more daunting than they first realized. Based on the its thickness, the Bible appears to be about the length of a John Grisham novel, but the white Christian soon discovers that due to super thin pages and tiny print, the Word is deceptively wordy.
White Christians feel plenty guilty about not reading the Bible enough in a normal year, but after stalling somewhere in Leviticus and realizing they are unlikely to get through the Torah, let alone the whole Bible by year's end, the crushing shame will cause them to resolve to set the bar a little lower the next year.