Saturday, September 25, 2010

#97 Designated Worship Stances

Once a church transitions to contemporary worship, every white Christian faces the solemn responsibility of adopting his or her own designated worship stance.

Worship stances are peculiar things. As much as the white Christian wants to get completely spiritually wrapped up in the worship moment, they can't help but to allow their social inhibitions to get in the way. Whenever white Christians face a dilemma like this, structure is the name of the game. This has lead to the adoption of 6 acceptable designated worship stances. SWCL takes an in-depth look at these 6 favorites:

Stance: The Nothing-But-The-Truth

Technique: One Hand Raised

Details: Simple, elegant, demonstrative- the gold standard of worship stances. The Nothing-But-The-Truth screams, "Yeah, I know that this makes you uncomfortable, but that's your problem... not mine." Interestingly, the NBTT can be a "gateway stance." Once white Christians take the plunge into raising one hand, soon they will be experimenting with harder stances. The NBTT is the go-to stance for white Christians.

Stance: The Touchdown Jesus

Technique: Both Hands Raised

Details: If one raised hand is good, it stands to reason that two raised hands is better. Frankly, if human beings could evolve a third arm, white Christians would experiment with raising this arm as well. Only expert level white Christians should attempt this bold proclamation that combines spiritual emotionalism with "look at me" attention grabbing gestures. Touchdown Jesus stance is only for the sure.

Stance: The Self-Hug
Technique: Self-explanatory

Details: Warm, emotionally intimate, and humble. Perhaps best of all for the social-conscious, this stance goes on virtually undetected by those in close proximity. For single-and-ready-to-mingle white Christians, anything that draws other's eyes to an embrace of your body can't possibly be a bad thing.

Stance: The Gratitude

Technique: Palms Upheld

Details: Where other hand-centric stances rise above eye level, The Gratitude allows the white Christian to do something with their hands without actually distracting anyone outside of their row. Any song that involves the word "thank" is perfect for this stance. Many Touchdown Jesus stances repetitiously downgrade to this stance during the less-peppy verses, only to jump back into Touchdown Jesus for the louder (and therefore far-more-spiritual) chorus. The Gratitude is a great middle-ground stance which features a perfect combination of self-confidence and humility that all white Christians crave.

Stance: The Nonchalant

Technique: Hands in Pockets or held together behind back

Details: Power is the name of the game here. Clenching a fist behind the back shows those other sissy stances who's boss. Rocking a hand or two in pockets keeps this "silent assassin" representing the old school. As a fringe benefit, having your hand on your wallet is always a good reminder about the upcoming offering.

Stance: The Literalist

Technique: Body and words are one- a veritable worshiping mime

Details: This stance is either for the career white Christian, or the recent, on-fire convert. Not for the meek, all eyes within a 50 foot radius will be upon the literalist. This stance takes a much more literal attitude to worship lyrics and physically does whatever the lyrics call for. For instance, "We fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus" is accompanied by literally laying down (and removing any crowns where applicable). "We stand and lift up our hands," is accompanied by literally standing and lifting up hands.

**Don't forget to take our poll listing YOUR designated worship stance**


Belle said...

I can remember the first time I raised my hand up to God at a meeting. I just felt like doing it since everyone else was. You know, it felt so wonderful. Like you were reaching out to God. I guess that is why people like to do it.

Anonymous said...

I like to not only do the Touchdown Jesus, but also yell at the top of my lungs in tongues. Of course this only occurs when the spirit lights my soul on fire, which is pretty much each time I walk into church.

Praise Jesus.

Anonymous said...

I have wondered for a long time why only the people that sit in the front row become TD Jesus. One would think the Lord would spread this feeling around the building, but nope. Just front row.

Anonymous said...

You should add the you're-all-going-to-hell stance usually accented by a suit that was actually made in the 70s and an attitude based in the pre-20th century era (you know, when they developed non-biblical traditions that trump the new age traditions to the point of damnation)

Anonymous said...

You aren't really a Christian,are you? Because this isn't funny. Yhea, this is stuff we do....But you separate it by calling the "Page" Stuff "White" Christians like. I'll pray and fast for you....In fact my whole church is praying for you all week and we have a young man standing in "Proxy" For your deliverance from Satan,

Abraham Calvin said...

Looks like somebody favors the "you're all going to hell worship stance." Anonymous, if you'd like to discuss this further, feel free to email me:

Melanie said...

What about the "Rocking in pain of my sins" stance, usually with hands spread wide behind the back, or sometimes while kneeling, all the while looking like we are being punched in the gut. This is great stuff - pretty dead on =) Kudos to the writer.

elenainenglish said...

This was very enjoyable and accurate! :) I've also seen the "Invent-your-own-interpretive-sign-language" stance that tends to be pretty invigorating.
Thanks for the fun post!

Anonymous said...

I personally prefer the "jump around like you are at a rock concert and headbang like a lunatic" stance for the more upbeat songs!

Anonymous said...

Why don't you have a Stuff Black Christians Like website. Oh, that's right. That would be racist! Get a life!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious...I just found this site last night and i am still laughing at touch down jesus stance this afternoon.i love the humour ... i remember when i first became a Christian i went to pentecostal church and talk about culture shock!I'm now a "sunday school teacher" trying not to live the cliche' it's interesting trying to challenge the church culture when people see it as knocking the faith, but of course its just culture! loving u guys in NZ