Saturday, August 28, 2010

#93 Worn Bible Envy

Since the advent of theater seating, Bibles have been progressively been removed from the sanctuary. The pew slot no longer exists for congregations to pick up the Bible on the fly.

While the removal of the Word of the Lord from the hands of believers might seem like a negative to the outside observer, there is a silver-lining to this bizzaro-Gutenberg cloud- it encourages white Christians to bring their personal Bible from home. This home Bible has proven to be the ultimate status symbol of white Christendom.

While some white Christians merely lean on the PowerPointed scripture, expert level white Christians proudly flash their personal, devotional Bibles that have been ravaged by time, the elements, and in what can only be described as "extreme devotional use." The once smooth leather cover is cracked, tarnished, and perhaps even contains some sort of make-shift adhesive to hold things together.

This weathered Bible has been on countless retreats with varying levels of paper-warping moisture and general grit. The phrase "paper-thin" really doesn't do justice to the page width of your average Bible. Tissue- level width is really a more accurate description... and tissue is not the most durable of material. Ripped pages, frayed edges, or even broken binding is par for the course.

Pieces of bulletin notes from a thousand sermons are crammed in between pages, placing undue stress on the Good Book's delicate binding. Flipping open to any passage will reveal scribbled notes within the margins and highlighted text.

Some white Christian churches even have liturgy that designates time in worship for white Christians to showcase their person Bibles:



Envious white Christians have been known to attempt to accelerate the time-wearing process by treating their personal Bible with reckless abandon. As long as no other white Christian witnesses this abuse, that Bible'll be looking appropriately worn in no time.

7 comments:

TaiPod said...

Of course, Novice Level White Christians can achieve the look without the costly investment of time spent in that archaic activity of reading one's Bible by merely purchasing the Duct Tape Bible.
http://www.amazon.com/Duct-Tape-Bible-Thomas-Nelson/dp/0718018249

Steve said...

Has anyone seen the "Message" translation/paraphrase of the Bible, featuring "Remix 2.0" and, I kid you not, "pre-worn leather cover?"

"Pre-worn leather cover" is actually an advertised feature!

Library Lady said...

Many of those beloved family Bibles have 66 tabs attached to the pages denoting the beginning of each book of the Bible. Surely this is not necessary for the true white Christian!

Maybe the tabs could be a subject for future blogs?

Love your blog!

McReverend said...

The White Christian also loves to get their pastor a new Bible from time to time. Since the pastor has the ultimate Worn Bible from countless hours of seminary, visitations, extra services, special events, and carrying it with him or her EVERYDAY, the White Christian feels super-threatened by the Pastorally Worn Bible. Gifting a new Bible is a great way to sneakily take the Rev. down a notch. But the Pastor knows the power of the Worn Bible and will not use the new one, claiming "Well, all my helpful notes are in this old one". Don't be fooled. Next time you're at your pastor's house for a Super Bowl Party, check out all the spankin' new Bibles hidden around the house.

Anonymous said...

The bible-removal also allows select pastors to ask, "who brought their Bible (or sword!) today?". This is sure to make visitors feel welcome when they don't raise their hands...

Anonymous said...

Wow. The way to eliminate racism is NOT to separate people by color. Then people start to stay within their "color group" and even black people become racist to white.

Anonymous said...

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE. QUIT JUDGING EVERYONE ELSE AND START WORRYING ABOUT YOUR OWN BIBLE.