Saturday, August 14, 2010

#91 The End Times


For some white Christians, the Gospels and Letters of the New Testament are a little tame. Miracles, people rising from the dead, casting out demons? These white Christians shrug their shoulders and yawn. They prefer their devotionals to be filled with the terrifying dragons, beasts, and horsemen of Revelation.

There are plenty of theological disagreements among white Christians concerning the other "boring" books of the New Testament that are relatively straight forward, so a book as puzzling as Revelation allows for many possible interpretations. Revelation has inspired countless white Christians of the more crazed variety to come up with fantastical exegeses and post them on the internet. The symbolism and cryptic nature this prophetic book guarantee that they can never be proven wrong.

To save you, dear reader, the time of researching the internet's consensus on the meaning of the prophesies of Revelation, here's a summary: the Free Masons are using vaccines and the Large Hadron Collider to control our minds, ensuring that the Antichrist (Jim Tressel) is installed as ruler of the one world government within the next few weeks. If that doesn't happen, don't worry, any combination of earthquakes or floods and the latest news from Israel will signal a cascade of events leading to a different Antichrist taking power and tattooing a bar code onto our foreheads.

3 comments:

Terry Lee said...

whaaa?!?! jim tressel's the antichrist? and here i was thinking it was obama.

sigh.

guess i read the wrong website.

ChuckEastNashville said...

Our local cable provider has a community channel. One preacher with a dry erase board can connect the whores of Babylon with the end of times (six-ah-six-ah-six-ah). Sometimes I catch his show toward top of hour, when he can't possibly add anything else to his board and markers of many colors.

Anonymous said...

We in the heartland have not yet had the false prophet revealed to us yet, only that the person, (it could be a she, but if so, transgendered), is a Democrat and will raise taxes and move our NFL franchise prior to any apocalyptic stuff....