Saturday, July 24, 2010

#88 The Insurance Conversion

White Christians love Heaven. They're terrified of Hell. Thanks to God's handy-dandy sovereignty, a believer's salvation-stance is really a one-and-done scenario. So when that conversion takes place (no matter how mundane the back-story might be) there's really no reason to wonder about the ultimate outcome.

And yet, ever the cautious critters, white Christians just don't want to leave it to chance. They've been known to repeatedly ask Jesus into their heart... JUST in case the previous conversion(s) didn't "take."

"Back in Sunday School, I remember singing Into my heart Lord Jesus, does that count?" wonders the white Christian. "Or does it have to be verbally said? I've always just sort of assumed that I was a Christian since that point. I'd better say it again out loud just to play it safe."

It almost seems as if white Christians have more faith in their insurance company than in their Lord. Perhaps if God had some sort of jingle for his salvation, there would be a little more confidence. Something along the lines of, "You're in good hands with Yaweh," or "Like a good neighbor, Salvation is there."

Expert level white Christians may even refer to a base-level conversions such as the thief on the cross as "Fire insurance."


Kate said...

I love this blog - very very funny. I have an idea for a future post: shared email addresses.

I don't know if it's the same in America, but here in the UK it seems to be a growing trend that white Christian married couples have a shared email address and it drives me mad!

You can't send anything confidential to one half of for fear the other might stumble across it!

Surely having seperate email addresses wouldn't be too divisive even for those who have "become as one flesh" through marriage...

Steve said...

I agree on the email address issue.

I think it's partially because white Christians are terrified of the Internet, online pornography, chat rooms, and on-line adultery. With a shared email address, a white Christian can say with confidence, "There's no way I could be cheating on my wife online -- this email addresses I share with people is evidence of this!"

It's an annoying over-compensation, really.

anna said...

Haha! I went to a Christian summer camp and saw the same kids walk up to accept Christ at the bonfire on the last night every year.

Anonymous said...

anna, I observed that same thing at a number of youth camp and vacation bible school weeks as well as at Christian youth rallies...I finally caught on to what that's really all about when I attended a big Franklin Graham youth rally held in a local high school football stadium...
There had been a big campaign by all the churches in the area, of course, to get as many 'unsaved' youth to come, offering lots of free pizza and hot dogs and soda...
At the end of the rally, as Graham gave the 'altar call', dozens of local pastors and youth pastors from the area, as well as Graham's own staff, stood down there waiting to talk to those young people that came down.
well, it sounded like a buffalo stampede as kids started streaming down out of the stands in droves, but I recognized most of them as kids already in active attendance at various local churches....then I figured it out..
All that horde of local church member kids going down were serving as 'Shills', in the idea that when the other unsaved' kids saw so many going, they'd go, too, because it would look to them like everyone else was!