Saturday, January 23, 2010

#62 Polarized Nursery Philosophies: Old School

There are two distinctly different philosophies in white Christian church nurseries around the world. Stuff White Christians Like takes an in-depth, two-week study of these differences, their positives and negatives.

Week 1: The Old School

Toys:
Toys were donated to the nursery sometime in the mid 80's. The church nursery staff was grateful for these toys, placed them in a bin, and haven't thought much about them since. In the years that have passed since the Reagan administration, these fuzzy germ-ridden bacteria traps have literally absorbed generations of
infant drool, mucus, and other bodily fluids.

Germs:
The germs born as a result of these fluids have the luxury of incubating in the disease-friendly wooden toy box that was donated to the church nursery by one of the handimen in the congregation. This box has been constructed with authentic American lumber, fastened together with metal screws and finger-pinching metal hinges. In addition to featuring splinters and sharp-angle toddler falling hazards, this box acts as the perfect germ catalyst- constantly maintaining the ideal environment for legions of bacteria to thrive.

Security:
Old School nursery duty is typically in the quasi-capable hands of junior-high girls. Unfortunately, these volunteers are not necessarily the most reliable workers, and won't always (wo)man their post. In the case of an empty nursery, parents are surprisingly comfortable with this situation- they drop their children into this biosphere whether there are people to watch their children or not. "After all," reasons the white Christian parent, "the nursery is where children belong- much like ducks belong in a marsh or cows belong in a pasture." Ironically, both cows and ducks are likely visible in painted mural on the cinderblock wall of the nursery.

Old School Positives:
In an ironic Darwin-esque twist of fate, if your child can survive the litany of choking, falling, splintering, and bio-hazards of this nursery experience, it is likely that he or she will posses a near super-human immune system. The old school definitely subscribes to the "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" Nietzschean child care philosophy. Additionally, there are claims by the elderly members of the congregation (though these claims have not been scientifically verified) that this nursery format "builds character."

Old School Negatives:
Your infant might die.

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