Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year From SWCL!

Goodbye to 2009, and hello to 2010!  Thanks to all of our readers for making this a great year for SWCL.

This New Years, as countless masses mumble through Auld Lang Syne, remember that every time a bell rings, an Angel gets his wings.  Teacher told Zuzu this in It's a Wonderful Life- one of the most beloved movies of all time- so it must be true.  Since the movie is so popular, the market has spoken.  Bell ringing = Angel Wings.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Website of the Year, 2009

We'd like to thank All4God for recognizing Stuff White Christians Like as their "Website of the Year for 2009."  Nice to feel the love- particularly from our white Christian friends across the pond.

In the spirit of giving and the Christmas season, we'd like to recognize as SWCL's "Website of the Year that has recognized Stuff White Christians Like as their Website of the Year." Congratulations!

Also, since 2009 is the last year in this decade, we'll go ahead and assume that we're also All4God's "Website of the Decade" as well.

On a related note, what is this decade called anyway?  The 2000s? The Aughts? As a society, we really slacked off on that one- we let an entire decade go by without coming to a decade-name consensus.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

#58 Live Nativity Scenes

'Tis the season for Live Nativity Scenes. Oh, Live Nativity Scenes... How do we love thee? Let us count the ways.

For northern geographical locations, live nativity scenes allow curious onlookers to visualize what the famous Bethlehem scene would have looked like if it were under 2 feet of snow, if the angels wore mittens, and if the shepherds wore winter boots, faux beards, and puffy parkas over their shepherd garb.

While the townspeople freak out when they encounter white Christians in this bizarre blend of barn and Bible, live nativity scenes allow the church drama department to take their show on the road (or at least into the church parking lot).

This spontaneous zoo fantasy camp allows white Christians who have never handled animals to be in charge of sheep, pigs, donkeys, horses, cats, peacocks, or any other animals that someone in the congregation has access to. When in doubt, these impromptu wranglers can sedate the animals by feeding them some of the bushels of hay that act as both decor and dinner.

While white Christians enjoy acting out the Christmas story, they don't actually read the Biblical accounts of the birth of Christ. If the did, they would realize the following facts:
  1. Not all Angels are elementary school girls. In fact, all Angels ever mentioned in the Bible have male names.
  2. The three wise men came to Jesus' home- they weren't actually at the original nativity scene.
These Biblical truths aside, the white Christian prefers the perceived feminine cuteness of the halo and wings to the Biblical reality. Also, white Christians have a strong conviction for trusting the invisible hand of the free market. All of the stores that sell nativity figurines sell wise men on camels. The set wouldn't be complete without the wise men... and if a store sells it, it must be true- the market has spoken.

The last, and perhaps best feature of the live nativity scene is that it gives the church infant who plays Jesus bragging rights for the rest of his/her life.

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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Merry Christmas from SWCL!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Merry Christmas from the authors of SWCL! Please don't forget to take some time this Christmas season to enhance your children's Christmas experience by telling them that Santa Claus is fake.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

#57 Sleeping During Church

Most white Christians attend a contemporary church service starting around 11 am because it allows them to sleep in. You would think that these white Christians would show up for church well rested, but inevitably they will find themselves nodding off mid-service. Even with assistance from the church coffee shop, white Christians can't manage to stay awake for even a one hour service.

These modern day Eutychuses manage to stay awake at work, school and play, but cash out without fail at church. Pews or theater-style seating, it does not matter. Fortunately, they do not all fall asleep at the same time during the service, so the others can wake them and have the favor returned a few minutes later.

Expert-level white Christians will take a little nap during the long prayer preceding the sermon - the length of the prayer typically allows for getting through all the sleep stages, including a few solid minutes of REM, before waking up as the prayer concludes, completely undetected. Less advanced white Christians tend to nod off during the sermon - quite embarrassing as they will be noticed and poked by those next to them in the pew. There are many excuses a dozing disciple may attempt at this point, from claiming to be offering a mid-sermon prayer for the pastor (made more convincing by saying "amen" as soon as you awaken) to asserting that they were slain by the Spirit, but none will be convincing.

One of the reasons for all the heavy eyelids during the morning service may be the wholesale abandonment of evening services over the past decade. The evening service used to be the prime napping time for white Christians, and now that no one attends night church anymore, they have to make up for that time somewhere.

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Stuff White Christians LINK: The Brick Testament

We've been wanting to link this one for a while in one of our mid-week posts- the Brick Testament.  The self-proclaimed "largest, most comprehensive illustrated Bible in the world," the Brick Testament uses exclusively legos to illustrate the Bible (pictured is a lego Moses carrying lego 10 commandments down a lego Mt. Sinai).  Check out the online sensation today.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

#56 Women's Guild Auxiliary Bazaars

Every white Christian church will have a group of old women kicking around somewhere. These women do things that support the church with things like the women's guild auxiliary bazaar.

The old women's group is filled with God-fearing senior saints- many of whom have been lifelong Christians. Unfortunately, nobody really knows what they actually do to help the church. In fact, no one under the age of 60 has any idea what the phrases "Guild," "
Auxiliary," or "Bazaar" actually mean.

These blue-haired prayer warriors might be involved in things like knitting for the kingdom, running the once prominent (currently defunct) church library, or working at church-linked thrift stores. Using context clues from bulletins, some white Christians have been able to assemble data that seems to indicate that the Auxiliary Bazaar is apparently also some type of fundraiser for the church.

If you've read all of this, and are still struggling to identify these women in your church, simply wait until the Christmas season. During advent, members of the Women's Guild Auxiliary Bazaar can be easily identified by their standardized attire. Amidst the flurry of church-related activities during the Christmas season, they will undoubtedly be wearing a red Christmas vest adorned with a festive brooch. This vest/brooch combo is the unofficial, yet universally adopted Christmas uniform of the Guild (I assume that I'm using the term "Guild" correctly, but being under the age of 60, I really have no idea).

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Nooma: Burrito

Here's a parody of Rob Bell's Nooma videos that we hope you'll enjoy. We cannot confirm or deny reports that two of the three people responsible for this video are your favorite Stuff White Christians Like bloggers.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Faith-Themed Tattoo Photo Contest

There have been some excellent new submissions for the Faith-Themed Tattoo Photo Contest going on now on the Facebook fan page. Check them out here.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

#55 Combating "Happy Holidays"

If you ever want to make a white Christian angry, wish him "Happy Holidays" around Christmastime. You will see all the holiday cheer drain from his face and be replaced by a scowl worthy of Ebenezer Scrooge. The idea that other religions compete with Christmas by celebrating other holidays at the same time, whether real (Hanukka) or made up (Kwanzaa), really extinguishes the white Christian's Yule log.

The politically correct are more comfortable with the all inclusive "Happy Holidays," believing that this greeting will please everyone, Jews and Gentiles alike. They are wrong. If you own a store or restaurant, you would be wise to instruct your employees not to wish your customers a happy anything, lest large swaths of the American public boycott your place of business for using the wrong holiday greeting.

During the Christmas season, the average white Christian will be sent dozens of emails daily encouraging her to sign a petition or join a Facebook group related to "keeping Christ in Christmas" or reminding all that "Jesus is the reason for the season." This is the best way white Christians know to beat back the heathen hordes encroaching on their favorite time of year.

This conflict could all be avoided if everyone followed the example of 'N Sync from their Christmas album. After Gary Coleman enlists the boy band to take over for Santa on Christmas Eve, they proceed to wish us all "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays."

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