Saturday, October 31, 2009
White Christians spend years studying and memorizing Bible verses, from Sunday school to, well, adult Sunday school. Throughout their lives they will look to these verses for comfort or direction. However, just as normal people will quote from Tommy Boy, The Princess Bride, or The Big Lebowksi to be funny, white Christians can't help but use their vast reservoir of memory verses for humorous, rather than spiritual purposes.
For example, if a teenager is leaving the house on a Sunday afternoon to go shopping, a white Christian parent will take delight in asking her "Is your ass in a pit?" (Luke 14:5), playing on Jesus' comments (KJV) to the Pharisees about the Sabbath. This works perfectly, because it casts just the right amount of judgment to cause a slight tinge of guilt without being preachy and it's a great excuse to say "ass."
Expert level white Christians do not say that someone was "driving like a bat out of hell." Rather, they will slyly reference 2 Kings 9:20 - "Marge tore out of the parking lot driving like Jehu." A particularly dense object is not said to be "hard as a rock," but "hard as Pharaoh's heart" (Exodus 7:3).
Bible verses can even be used as pickup lines. Young white Christian men are known to break the ice with the ladies by using lines like "Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead" (Song of Soloman 6:5) or "For your hand in marriage, I would bring your father the foreskins of two hundred Philistines" (1 Samuel 18:25-27). These women then joke to their friends "Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me" (Psalm 56:1).
In the event these pickup lines are successful and two white Christians get married (right out of college, of course), throughout their marriage the husband will delight in telling his wife to submit to him and wash the dishes (Ephesians 5:22). If she chooses to respond by making fun of his baldness, the follicly challenged husband will threaten to make like Elisha and call down bears from the woods to maul her (2 Kings 2:23-24).
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I am tremendously proud to announce that this little blog is now in first position on Google for the search terms "hokey toot," due to its use in post #48 Substitute Swear Words. Search engine optimization - it's the way of the future my friends. This post will only solidify our dominant position, should anyone attempt to challenge us for the millions of people searching for hokey toot each and every day.
Posted by Abraham Calvin at 6:14 PM
Saturday, October 24, 2009
With the possible exception of a get-away car for a bank job, there's nothing quite like driving home from church.
While many white Christians enjoy lingering at church long after the service for post-worship refreshments and fellowship, there is a faction of white Christians in every church that begins inching toward the exits during the benediction.
Having logged their hour of faith-mandated worship for the week, white Christians can't wait to get back home. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder, and the white Christian has now been away from home for over an hour. White Christians love to anticipate what lies ahead for them: some combination of Sunday Dinner, sports watching, and a Sunday Afternoon Nap await. There might even be some sort of cheese/cracker platter presented during the first half of the football game even though the white Christian just inhaled 3 cookies, 2 crackers and some ridiculously sweet lemonade at post-worship refreshments on the way out of church. To the white Christian that enjoys peeling out of the church parking lot, these treats are consumed in the same way that a marathon runner consumes water.
The drive home used to be even sweeter for white Christians in the days of formal church attire. In the formal era (BCE or "Before Casual Era"), upon getting home from church, white Christians would literally sprint upstairs, rip off their once-a-week "Sunday Best," and jettison the clothes into the hamper. This completed the transition from Sunday Best to Sunday Rest. Despite the fact that white Christians are currently in the Casual Era, they still experience phantom joy sensations from church-clothing removal.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
From an early age, white Christians are taught that cursing is one of worst sins they can commit. This is probably because an 8 year old is not very likely to murder, commit adultery or get a job that requires him to work on Sunday. However, life's misfortunes still require verbal outbursts, so white Christians have amassed dozens of swearword substitutes that are far more Christ-like.
If normal curse words are somewhat nonsensical, the white Christian's swear word substitutes make even less sense because they are loosely based on the real deal. In addition, they are often made up on the spot by white Christian parents desperately trying not to curse in front of their children. After hitting his thumb with a hammer, a white Christian father can't stop the beginnings of some naughty words from escaping his lips, but he can pull an audible to protect young ears with a "God bless it" or a "son of a biscuit." What the progeny of a small, flat-baked bread product has to do with a purple finger nail is anyone's guess, but hokey toot, he just got out of a major freaking jam.
Many of the white Christian's surrogate swearwords are clearly preferred to the alternative, such as "frick," "fudge," and "what the fun." However, some do not seem to be much different from the real profanities. The only apparent difference between poop, crap, and another word is that the surrogate swears don't get your mouth washed out with soap.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Next to tapping their toes along with the music, there's just no better way for white Christians to give their endorsement to what they are witnessing than to nod in approval.
Used primarily in the sermon listening stance, this nod is frequently accompanied by a knowing smirk, tilted head, slightly squinted eyes, and sometimes even a muted "mmmm" to show that the exact phrasing emanating from the pastor's mouth at that moment is directly in line with this particular white Christian's beliefs.
In fact, the approval nod is such a powerful tool that all white Christian media services integrate this move into the sermon portion of their video productions. It's really the go-to move to demonstrate quality preaching in video format:
- Tripod/congregation angle: Pastor makes a statement.
- Cut to audience listener: intense focused approval nod and minor eye squint.
- Fade/cut back to pastor.
In visualizing this boiler-plate approval nod sequence, the white Christian production company empowers the white Christian viewer to relate to this powerful example. "If that guy agrees with what is being said, then perhaps I could agree as well!" reasons the white Christian viewer.
There exists, deep within every white Christian, the desire to be able to shout "Amen!" as an approval response. But for most white Christians, what goes unsaid with lips is loudly proclaimed with some extra focus, some form of hand-to-face contact, and 1.5 inch movement of a few neck muscles. The general rule of thumb preserves audible "Amens" for either expert level white Christians or the general congregation when an energetic guest pastor is visiting and he elicits the "Amen?" invitation (to which an "Amen" response is uncomfortably uttered in liturgical fashion by two thirds of the congregation).
Saturday, October 3, 2009
As a general rule, if white Christians enjoy something, they will turn it into a ministry. White Christians reason that if an activity if enjoyable, turning said activity into a ministry can only enhance it. Coffee? Coffee themed ministries like Coffee Break. Softball? Church softball league.
White non-Christians often coordinate themselves in a similar fashion, only to have their organized-fun groups instantly copied by white Christians. Boy/Girl Scouts have an endless number of Christian alternatives, from the Cadets to the Frontier Girls. Instead of enjoying knitting at a "Stitch and Bitch," white Christian women can take part in knitting groups like "Knit Together" or "Prayer Knit." Not only do the Christian knitting groups not have bad words in their names, women also don't feel pressured to complain about their spouse and kids.
There is now a church league for every sport imaginable. White Christian churches will assemble a team comprised of the most athletic members of the congregation, plus a few
ringers people to witness to from outside the church. After a pre-game prayer, the games will usually devolve into dirty play, swearing, fighting and theological trash talk. For example: "That at bat sure was evidence for total depravity" or "God predestined that you will miss this shot."
When an enjoyable activity is turned into a ministry, white Christians find the activity all the more gratifying because they can have fun and serve God at the same time. In addition, it's much easier for white Christians to get away from any responsibilities at home when their Christian paint ball league has attained equal ecclesiastical status to small group or Sunday school.