Saturday, May 30, 2009

#28 Getting Married Right Out of College

Normal people usually get married in their late twenties, but white Christians prefer to marry during the summer after college graduation, if not the previous summer. Most people would panic at the idea of being tied down at the age of 22, but white Christians are terrified by the prospect of not at least being engaged by the spring of their senior year.

White Christians know that their best chance of landing a spouse with whom they would be equally yoked is during their years at their Christian liberal arts college. They are well aware of the slim pickings waiting for them at church back home, and white Christians have no idea how to meet people outside of their church/Christian high school/Christian college bubble.

White Christian parents have paid dearly for sending their white Christian son or daughter to a Christian liberal arts college. These parents may be slightly disappointed when, despite graduating with a religion, psychology, or communications degree, Junior is working in a career completely unrelated to their studies shortly after graduation. However, as long as he/she meets their spouse (and this spouse is of the same denomination) at this institution, they consider the small fortune money well spent.

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Saturday, May 23, 2009

#27 Babies

White Christians like to know that there will be more white Christians in the future. That is why every white Christian couple seeks to replenish the earth and subdue it... by adding 2.3 children into the church's Sunday school program.

Exactly how churches handle babies is extremely important to white Christians. They have been known to flock to churches with good baby care and preschool programs- even if the rest of the church is in complete disarray. The pastor could be having an affair with both church secretaries, holding three hour services, and reading from the King James Version while simultaneously converting to Mormonism... but if the nursery is good, that church has it made in the shade.

A recent white Christian trend is for mothers to cut out the nursery middle man (or volunteer junior high girl), and bring their babies along with them into the church service. Babies used to be banished from the sanctuary from baptism until 1st grade, but in today's baby-crazed love fest, anything goes.
White Christian mothers are immune to all levels of baby screams, having developed a high tolerance level through the hours of baby scream practice at home. The rest of the congregation however, cringes as the pastor tries to continue speaking over the exponentially shrill worship-time shrieks.

Interestingly, babies also represent an opportunity to catch white Christians in a babylove/doctrinal paradox. Upon revealing an infant, among the "oohs" and "ahhs" emanating from the gathered white Christian flock, the phrase "Oh... she's perfect!" will inevitably be uttered. If you ever want to see a disappointed group of white Christian women, now is the perfect time to begin a doctrinal discussion on total depravity.

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Saturday, May 16, 2009

#26 Being Passionate, Yet Vague About Politics

White Christians are passionate about politics, but they would be mortified if someone wanted to argue about politics while enjoying post-worship refreshments. Although they care deeply about the issues, they have mastered the art of being intentionally vague about their individual political stripe.

The white Christian's party affiliation is usually a closely held secret (at church at least), but they are constantly on the lookout for subtle cues that betray someone's ideology. Any mention of "social justice" is a dead giveaway that someone is a liberal, while bringing up abortion or "values" identifies the conservatives. Once a white Christian is 100% certain that his fellow churchgoer is of the same political persuasion, he will feel comfortable uttering the odd comment about "God-less tax raisers" or "cold-hearted capitalists" and will begin sending this person daily email forwards comparing a politician they don't like to Hitler.

The pastor is ever careful to avoid politics in the sermon. If there is a major political issue such as an election, war, or invalid about to be removed from life support, the pastor will mention these matters and then pray that "the Lord's will be done." This is very clever because both the secret Christian Democrat and the secret Christian Republican know that their political party is much more in line with the Lord's will than the other party and they are reassured that the pastor shares their political beliefs.

Following these simple rules allows the secret white Christian Democrat and the secret white Christian Republican to live in harmony. They each know that the Lord agrees with them and cannot fathom how any right-thinking Christian could believe otherwise.

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Saturday, May 9, 2009

#25 Retreats

Whether they be of the summer, youth, ski, marriage, or winter variety, the fact is, all white Christians love retreats.

It should be no surprise that white Christians like retreats- they combine the outdoors (known to white Christians as "creation"), "getting away from it all," and the opportunity to dabble in different worship experiences (prayer vigils, raising hands, publicly crying, etc.) that would never be attempted in regular white Christian society.

White Christians are much more emotionally open when they retreat. If you're on a horseback ride through the woods in the middle of nowhere with a white Christian, expect this white Christian to open up like a flower. He might tell you about his secret sin struggles, his devotional life, or even marital secrets. All of this would be strictly forbidden within a regular church setting, but when you're on retreat in the middle of creation, this is standard protocol. It's best to have your own confessions prepared ahead of time so that you're not left out of the sharing.

Once upon a time (
that whole crusades thing) white Christians preferred to be on the attack. But this was the worst chapter in the storied history of white Christians. Now every white Christian does his or her best to reverse the trends of the past. What better way to reverse an attack than to go on a retreat?

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Saturday, May 2, 2009

#24 Morphing Traditional Christian Vernacular

Out with the old, and in with the new. White Christians like to stay on the cutting edge of communication- which is why they do away with any word or phrase that could be mistaken for "traditional."

After all, white Christians have already done away with
traditional worship services- why wouldn't they eliminate traditional language?

Examples of this chaged speech include:
  • "Sanctuary" is now "Worship Center" or "Auditorium"

  • "Pulpit" is now "Stage" or "Platform"

  • "Bulletin" is now "Program" or "Worship folder"

  • "Congregation is now "Crowd" or "Audience"

  • "Pastor" or "Preacher" is now "Speaker"

  • "Narthex" is now "Lobby" or "Fellowship Hall"

  • "Nursery" is now "Child Care"

  • "Praise Team" is now "Band"

  • "Fellow Christian" or "Brother" is now "Dude" or "Bro"

  • "Church Service" is now "Assembly"

  • "Benediction" is now "Blessing"

An added bonus of this morphed vernacular is that white Christians can now brag about going to church to their non-church going friends, and they might be confused for going to a rock-concert. For instance, use the following sentence as a sort of morphed Christian vernacular mad-libbs:

"Yeah, dude, I went to this assembly-- the lobby behind the auditorium was packed before the thing started. When the band on stage was introduced by the speaker, the crowd was really into it. Check out this program- it's got all of the details."

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