Saturday, April 25, 2009

#23 Christian Radio Stations

White Christians like to have their own, Christian versions of as many things as possible, including radio stations. Secular radio stations typically offer music from a specific genre: country, alternative rock, pop, etc. Christian radio stations are no different. They play "Christian music", which is limited to a rotation of up to 5 songs by Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, the Newsboys, Chris Tomlin and Third Day. Occasionally, an additional artist is allowed a song in the rotation, provided this song sounds just like something from the aforementioned artists or a secular band that was popular five years ago.

Songs with children's voice-overs are the only other exceptions concerning the rotation of songs on Christian radio stations. These songs will feature either a child dramatically reading a bible verse, or have a child sing something like, "Oh be careful little eyes what you seeeeeeee" in the middle of a pop christian song.

K-LOVE dominates the Christian radio universe thanks white Christians' dislike of commercials and their deceptive "Positive, Encouraging" campaign to lure in non-Christians scanning the dial. White Christians typically find themselves in one of two camps: those who listen to nothing but K-LOVE and those who have K-LOVE on their 6th preset - for use when presets 1-5 are on commercial or on the way to church on Sunday morning.

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Saturday, April 18, 2009

#22 Gossip

Don't tell anyone- we're not supposed to say anything, but we have it on very good authority that white Christians like to gossip.

Again, this is just a rumor- something that we heard from a source that we can't reveal. So anyway, it goes like this: supposedly, white Christians like being in communities small enough that they're all up in each other's business.

While modern society is said to be in the "information age," white Christians have been in the information business for years. Scientists estimate that, by the year 2138, computer networks will finally be fast enough to transmit information at as rapid of a rate as white Christians can "phone-whisper."

If you're a member of a white Christian church, there are definite pros and cons to this enjoyment of gossip. On the plus side, white Christians care enough about your life to want to spread the good news of your firstborn son. On the negative side, everyone probably knows how well your son's circumcision went.

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Sunday, April 12, 2009

Saturday, April 11, 2009

#21 Christian Email Signatures

White Christians are often just a step behind the rest of society when it comes to culture and technology. This is not surprising considering the hours they spend in church and on retreats while the rest of the country is watching television. However, since white Christians discovered the internet (about 4 years ago), they have wasted no time claiming email for the kingdom.

Regardless of whether the email in question is spiritual in nature or simply passing on a hilarious (secular, but not dirty) forward, white Christians always use Christian verbiage to close the email. Instead of the typical ways of ending the email with "later" or "regards", white Christians will instead use "In Christ", "God's Peace" or "His Servant".

Expert-level white Christians will of course take this up a notch. While "Shalom" is an acceptable email closing for these white Christians, when two expert-level white Christians email each other, they will begin competing to sign off with the most Christian signature. Soon these white Christians are ending emails with phrases like "Nestled deep within the crevasses of His omnipotent grip" and "Mounting up with wings like eagles in service of the One who is and is to come."

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Saturday, April 4, 2009

#20 Sunday Afternoon Naps

If it's true that white Christians like Sunday dinner, then it only stands to reason that white Christians like Sunday dinner's friendly neighbor: the Sunday afternoon nap.

While many people only truly experience the food-induced sleep-coma around Thanksgiving, White Christians enjoy this experience on a weekly basis. Nothing stimulates the white Christian's sleep-ogens like the starches, complex carbohydrates, and
tryptophan of the stereotypical white Christian Sunday dinner.

After the sleep-ogens have been fully induced (this metabolic process typically occurs simultaneously with the post-meal devotions) the white Christian stumbles to the couch or the nearest padded horizontal surface like a bear that has been recently shot by a tranquilizer dart. The sedative is all the more effective when combined with two crucial nap catalysts: a moderately entertaining (but not exciting... remember, we're going for sleep here, not entertainment) sporting event on TV (such as a non-Tiger golf tournament), and an afghan.

Every white Christian enjoys napping under a gloriously warm afghan that their great aunt (or other elderly relative) knitted for them. The afghan is one of few white Christian staples that has stood the test of time. White Christians can't seem to agree on worship styles, doctrine, or denominations, but they've stayed true to the afghan for centuries. White Christians like to look to afghan for inspiration: all different colors and patterns have been woven together to serve a common, glorious purpose... it truly is a blanket of unity.

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