Saturday, April 25, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Don't tell anyone- we're not supposed to say anything, but we have it on very good authority that white Christians like to gossip.
Again, this is just a rumor- something that we heard from a source that we can't reveal. So anyway, it goes like this: supposedly, white Christians like being in communities small enough that they're all up in each other's business.
While modern society is said to be in the "information age," white Christians have been in the information business for years. Scientists estimate that, by the year 2138, computer networks will finally be fast enough to transmit information at as rapid of a rate as white Christians can "phone-whisper."
If you're a member of a white Christian church, there are definite pros and cons to this enjoyment of gossip. On the plus side, white Christians care enough about your life to want to spread the good news of your firstborn son. On the negative side, everyone probably knows how well your son's circumcision went.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Regardless of whether the email in question is spiritual in nature or simply passing on a hilarious (secular, but not dirty) forward, white Christians always use Christian verbiage to close the email. Instead of the typical ways of ending the email with "later" or "regards", white Christians will instead use "In Christ", "God's Peace" or "His Servant".
Expert-level white Christians will of course take this up a notch. While "Shalom" is an acceptable email closing for these white Christians, when two expert-level white Christians email each other, they will begin competing to sign off with the most Christian signature. Soon these white Christians are ending emails with phrases like "Nestled deep within the crevasses of His omnipotent grip" and "Mounting up with wings like eagles in service of the One who is and is to come."
Saturday, April 4, 2009
While many people only truly experience the food-induced sleep-coma around Thanksgiving, White Christians enjoy this experience on a weekly basis. Nothing stimulates the white Christian's sleep-ogens like the starches, complex carbohydrates, and tryptophan of the stereotypical white Christian Sunday dinner.
After the sleep-ogens have been fully induced (this metabolic process typically occurs simultaneously with the post-meal devotions) the white Christian stumbles to the couch or the nearest padded horizontal surface like a bear that has been recently shot by a tranquilizer dart. The sedative is all the more effective when combined with two crucial nap catalysts: a moderately entertaining (but not exciting... remember, we're going for sleep here, not entertainment) sporting event on TV (such as a non-Tiger golf tournament), and an afghan.
Every white Christian enjoys napping under a gloriously warm afghan that their great aunt (or other elderly relative) knitted for them. The afghan is one of few white Christian staples that has stood the test of time. White Christians can't seem to agree on worship styles, doctrine, or denominations, but they've stayed true to the afghan for centuries. White Christians like to look to afghan for inspiration: all different colors and patterns have been woven together to serve a common, glorious purpose... it truly is a blanket of unity.