Saturday, March 28, 2009

#19 Calling Themselves "Followers of Jesus"

White Christians currently find themselves with quite the dilemma. The term "Christian" seems a little outdated and just doesn't quite communicate to others which faith they adhere to, so they long for a more appropriate label. No, this is not related to their denomination - Presbyterian, Lutheran, Christian Reformed, etc., though non-denominational white Christians are especially prone to struggling with this conundrum.

Young white Christians seek a way to cast off the stigma of being a Christian, while still remaining one. They hem, they haw, but with the dawn of social networking sites, white Christians must decide once and for all whether their online profile should tell the world that they are "Christian," "born again," or, the increasingly popular choice: "Follower of Jesus." No one chooses "evangelical" - white Christians aren't really sure what this term means, let alone if they belong to this group.

"Christian" seems very non-inclusive in this day and age and the likes of Jimmy Carter and Jerry Falwell have poisoned the "born again" well - leaving "follower of Jesus" as the only viable option for the white Christian. Being a follower of Jesus automatically distances the white Christian from all of the unpleasant perceptions about white Christians. The follower of Jesus no longer has to apologize for the Crusades, "Bible-belt people", or the passages in the Bible non-Christians find distasteful.

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Sunday, March 22, 2009


Stuff White Christians Like has officially sold out: we have a sponsor. Although, since it is I, Abraham Calvin, who owns the sponsor, is it really selling out? Anyway, regardless of whether or not I'm selling out to, uh, myself, please check out my new site, I think you'll like it: brings you fine art photography at prices you can't resist. Everyday you'll see a different photo by a different photographer and everyday the price will be $10. Only $10 for a 5x7 or 8x10 that would cost you multiples more elsewhere. Larger sizes are also available for an additional fee and the photos will be printed and shipped to you so fast they'll be on your wall in about a week.

What's the catch? The photo of the day is here today and gone tomorrow. One day, one photo. Thanks for checking it out the site.

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Saturday, March 21, 2009

#18 Sunday Dinner

Sunday Dinner is an extremely important part of the sabbath experience to white Christians. As mentioned earlier, there are few things that a pastor can do to have the congregation turn on him like preaching too long. During the sermon, white Christians are trying to pay attention, but every one of these white Christians has a roast in the oven at that very moment!

"Surely he's got to be done, right?!" thinks the anxious, hungry white Christian. "I mean, this isn't exactly a three point sermon, but the tone of his voice is starting to slow and the timber is getting lower- that's got to count for something. I mean, come on! Bring on the benediction!"

Even though the white Christian wants to know how much time should be left in the one hour service, he dares not glance back at the clock- then other white Christians will know that he's anxious to leave church.

It's very difficult for white Christians to focus on the bread of scripture when the meat of the Sabbath is simultaneously being slow-cooked to a tender, marbleized perfection. If the pastor goes over by even just a little, he'll be ruining the delicate time balance that is required for the succulent, juicy delicious sabbath culmination: the Sunday roast.

While modern culture has come to accept the trilogy of "breakfast, lunch, and dinner," with "dinner" place-holding for "supper," white Christians have a variance that allows for a different classification of dinner. Among other several important doctrinal decisions, the
First Council of Nicaea declared in article 38, paragraph 14 of the Nicene Creed that, "In accordance with sabbath observance, all white Christians shall, in perpetuity throughout the universe, proclaim the central- and therefore most important- meal of the Sabbath as "Dinner" and not "Lunch" as heretofore mentioned within certain pagan circles."

While Sunday Dinner is a huge meal, white Christians prefer to keep Sunday Supper light. Typically, grilled cheese, chips, and pickles will do.

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Monday, March 16, 2009

White Jesus Photo Contest Winner

Our hearty congratulations to Ben - the winner of our hotly contested White Jesus Photo Contest on the Facebook group. Is that blue steel?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

#17 The Message

White Christians enjoy informality in church. From casual attire to contemporary worship, the more laid back the worship service, the better (and the more relevant). This informality also extends to reading the Bible, making versions like the New International Version and the New American Standard Bible insufficiently casual.

These popular versions got rid of the thee's and thou's long ago, but in 1993, Eugene H. Peterson recognized that they were not nearly hip enough for the young people of the day. Complete sentences? No contractions? Proper grammar? No references to Mountain Dew or the X-Games? Clearly something had to change.

After abandoning his work on a pig-latin Bible, Peterson wrote the Message, a version that is, like, way more relevant. Why would you want to read some boring text like "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"? The Message takes this tired old verse and makes it relevant for today: "Then Jesus totally said, 'It's cool if you're having a really crappy day. The crappier your life is, the sweeter God's crib will be when you get there.'"

However, today's young white Christian has already begun to tire of the Message. In the age of texting, Twitter, and Facebook, white Christians will soon demand a version of the Bible for a new generation, a version replete with LOL's, status updates, and an RSS feed so the author can constantly update it with new slang and new meaning in order to keep up with the times.

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Saturday, March 7, 2009

#16 Faith-Themed Tattoos

Nothing quite says "X-treme Faith" to the white Christian like an awesome faith-themed tattoo. That's right- "X-treme," not "Extreme." Referring to extreme things without using proper spelling makes them more extreme.

Like every white person, white Christians enjoy body art. Tattoos allow white Christians that are "in creation" (outdoors) in warm weather to engage in ripped bod, flesh-revealing ministry.

The tattoo connoisseur will notice two distinct differences between standard tats and white Christian tats:

1) The white Christian tattoo
will include a cross, Jesus fish, or Bible verse reference... this is non-negotiable.

2) While non-Christians enjoy Chinese symbols and images as part of their
tattoos, white Christians prefer symbols that are Hebrew or Greek. Hebrew or Greek imagery allows for the same "old world" look and feel as Chinese tats, while remaining relatively more Biblical... even if the white Christian has no idea what the Hebrew or Greek symbols mean.

Curious onlookers observing white Christian
tattoos are encouraged to approach the body palate and ask about the meaning behind the tattoo symbolism. However, in approaching a tattooed white Christian, be forewarned: if a verse-reference tattoo contains ONLY the passage (for example, "Psalm 29:11"), and not the actual text of the verse, don't expect this white Christian to know what the verse says, as he/she has not memorized it. The fact that the verse is permanently embedded in the skin of the white Christian is significant enough- there is no memorization necessary. This is a rare variety of taking in scripture through osmosis- just because the verse is on the skin does not mean that it's in the brain.

For other white Christians, it's best to just put the entire verse on their body... yikes.

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Sunday, March 1, 2009

White Jesus Photo Contest

Sorry - the Facebook group didn't allow members to post photos. It does now! 

Do you have an amazing white Jesus photo or can you find one on Google images? Send it to me (abrahamcalvin at or post it on the  Facebook group page. We will celebrate the winning photo next week. 

This remarkable white Jesus/white baby montage can be found in the maternity ward at Hinsdale Hospital in Illinois. I will be very impressed if anyone can top this.