Saturday, February 28, 2009

#15 White Jesus

White Christians are quite familiar with the Bible (well, the New Testament anyway). Based on careful analysis of the Gospels, all white Christians have come to the conclusion that, without a doubt, Jesus was white. Despite rumors of Middle Eastern ancestry, our Savior is always depicted as having white skin, angular features, long brown hair, and piercing blue eyes.

Over the centuries, artists have considered Isaiah 52 ("He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him, nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him") and the fact that Jesus worked as a carpenter (without power tools) until his 30's, and decided that Jesus was a pale, skinny, effeminate Prada model.

Historians agree that Jewish men in Jesus' day had short hair - at some point, being a Nazarene got mixed up with being a Nazarite, and He has since been depicted with long hair or even a mullet. This has resulted in bumper stickers claiming that Jesus is a Democrat.

White Christians effortlessly counter claims of an olive-skinned Jesus with historical evidence of their own: Arthur Maxwell's The Bible Story and the Hanna-Barbera video series "The Greatest Adventure Stories From the Bible" clearly show that not only was Jesus white, but so was every other person mentioned in the Bible.

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Saturday, February 21, 2009

#14 Potlucks

Some white Christian activities are hard to understand. Nothing validates this statement of confusion like potlucks.

In this bizarre ritual, white Christians assemble, bring a variety of homemade Italian dishes and casseroles together, and actively engage in a culinary orgy of smorgasbord-darwinianism.

White Christian children all know that potlucks represent their eating something other than their mother's cooking, that the food will be far worse than their mom's food, and that they're going to be required to sample a lot of other family's crappy casseroles or "crap-eroles." White Christian children are encouraged to "just try it," knowing full well, that with the author of this devil-dish watching their every gag reflex, there's no praying themselves out of this dining purgatory.

White Christians call these events "Potlucks" because that's precisely what you need to survive the event: a pot, and some luck. Ordinarily, white Christians don't believe in luck (it's called "Providence") but the authors of this blog are relatively certain that Potlucks are "of the devil."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

#13 Diversity

The only thing more highly valued in a white Christian church than visitors are minority visitors. As the deer pantheth for the water, the white Christian longs for diversity.

Unfortunately, as much as white Christians want diversity, they are unable to achieve it. Part of the problem is that white Christians prefer their diversity candidates to dress like them, talk like them, like the same style of worship as them, and, ideally, to have attended the same Christian college as them. In short, the average white Christian church wants to attract white Christians who are not white.

To fill the diversity void in their lives, white Christians enjoy singing songs like "Jesus Loves the Little Children" and "Jesu, Jesu" to celebrate other cultures. You might think that singing in another language would only be a painful reminder of the sea of whiteness filling the sanctuary, but it seems to warm the hearts of everyone in attendance. Furthermore, white Christians enjoy the confirmation that they are pulling out all the stops in their quest for diversity.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

#12 Waxing Nostalgic About Hymnals and Organs

Having moved from a traditional church service into the aforementioned contemporary worship, many white Christians fondly recall "the good old days" when organs and hymnals dominated worship experiences (even if these days were only 3 years ago). These Christians enjoy waxing nostalgic, but not to the point of actually wanting these items in their worship experience.

In transition modes, many white Christian churches still contain hymnals and organs, but these items are, like white Christian children during catechism class, to be seen and not heard. Then again, sometimes they're not even supposed to be seen- the organ pipes are likely covered by the decorations committee's latest artistic worship banners while the hymnals are collecting cobwebs in a safely locked closet next to old copies of McGee and Me on VHS.

In the mean time, praise and worship songs are PowerPointed to the marvel of all. Song lyrics will likely be on delay and slightly out of sync with the music because of the tech guy's inability to follow along, but to white Christians, this is a minor pittance to pay for the glory of digital text without music to read. Forget those old-fashioned "musical parts"- now everyone can sing the melody!

The only exception to this permanent ban on hymnals and organ is the Christmas/Advent season. It is during this most traditional of times that white Christians enjoy actually indulging these traditional worship urges. But this only lasts a month or so, and then it's back to contemporary business as usual.