Saturday, February 28, 2009
Over the centuries, artists have considered Isaiah 52 ("He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him, nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him") and the fact that Jesus worked as a carpenter (without power tools) until his 30's, and decided that Jesus was a pale, skinny, effeminate Prada model.
Historians agree that Jewish men in Jesus' day had short hair - at some point, being a Nazarene got mixed up with being a Nazarite, and He has since been depicted with long hair or even a mullet. This has resulted in bumper stickers claiming that Jesus is a Democrat.
White Christians effortlessly counter claims of an olive-skinned Jesus with historical evidence of their own: Arthur Maxwell's The Bible Story and the Hanna-Barbera video series "The Greatest Adventure Stories From the Bible" clearly show that not only was Jesus white, but so was every other person mentioned in the Bible.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
In this bizarre ritual, white Christians assemble, bring a variety of homemade Italian dishes and casseroles together, and actively engage in a culinary orgy of smorgasbord-darwinianism.
White Christian children all know that potlucks represent their eating something other than their mother's cooking, that the food will be far worse than their mom's food, and that they're going to be required to sample a lot of other family's crappy casseroles or "crap-eroles." White Christian children are encouraged to "just try it," knowing full well, that with the author of this devil-dish watching their every gag reflex, there's no praying themselves out of this dining purgatory.
White Christians call these events "Potlucks" because that's precisely what you need to survive the event: a pot, and some luck. Ordinarily, white Christians don't believe in luck (it's called "Providence") but the authors of this blog are relatively certain that Potlucks are "of the devil."
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
In transition modes, many white Christian churches still contain hymnals and organs, but these items are, like white Christian children during catechism class, to be seen and not heard. Then again, sometimes they're not even supposed to be seen- the organ pipes are likely covered by the decorations committee's latest artistic worship banners while the hymnals are collecting cobwebs in a safely locked closet next to old copies of McGee and Me on VHS.
In the mean time, praise and worship songs are PowerPointed to the marvel of all. Song lyrics will likely be on delay and slightly out of sync with the music because of the tech guy's inability to follow along, but to white Christians, this is a minor pittance to pay for the glory of digital text without music to read. Forget those old-fashioned "musical parts"- now everyone can sing the melody!
The only exception to this permanent ban on hymnals and organ is the Christmas/Advent season. It is during this most traditional of times that white Christians enjoy actually indulging these traditional worship urges. But this only lasts a month or so, and then it's back to contemporary business as usual.