Saturday, January 31, 2009

#11 Church Super Bowl Parties

For nearly two millennia, white Christians have placed their commitment to church above sporting events. When Super Bowl Sunday rolled around, they would dutifully attend the evening service and then race home in time to watch the fourth quarter. In the last few years, clever white Christians have found a way to escape night church in order to watch the Super Bowl. 

With the advent of Super Bowl parties held at church, white Christians can now watch the whole game guilt-free. Ingeniously, the Super Bowl is now an evangelism opportunity, thanks to a video that is popped in during halftime featuring the testimonies of Christian NFL players. 

Fortunately Unfortunately, church Super Bowl parties marked the beginning of the end for evening services. Although it is just one night of the year, the church-sponsored Super Bowl party revealed the long held secret that night church is not a salvation issue. Now, Super Bowl Sunday is the only time white Christians attend church at night. 


Saturday, January 24, 2009

#10 Visitors

If you ever get invited to visit a white Christian church, don't miss out on this opportunity - you will not be disappointed. As a visitor, you have no idea how much the white Christians look forward to your visit.

As a visitor, you can prepare to be welcomed upwards of 50+ times in both formal and informal settings. Even before sitting down for the actual service, your hand will ache from navigating the carpal-pumping mine field of elated white Christians, each lined up and eager to happily and aggressively
greet the new-comer.

Upon starting the service, the speaker will formally welcome you (in case anyone missed informally welcoming you), and encourage you to fill out an informational piece of some kind (frequently with golf pencils) that will enable the white Christians to follow-up on your visit. Following up is a sort of white Christian "future-welcome". You will then likely be invited to check out the information rack/table/booth after the service, and then to join someone for post-worship refreshments, or even Sunday dinner. Don't be frightened by any of these actions, they are completely normal- the white Christians are just really happy that you have joined them.

After brief announcements, the congregation will all stand up at the same time and start shaking your hand again. Don't be alarmed- they're simply greeting you (and each other) again. This familiarizes the white Christians with the people that are around them.

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Editor's Note: if you're visiting this blog, we'd really like thank you for joining us, and we'd like to formally welcome you. We're not after your money or anything like that. In fact, we would just ask that you sign your name on the comments section, tell your friends about this blog, or join the SWCL Facebook group, and let that be your gift to us. Thank you again for joining us. We hope that you'll be back again soon!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Guest Posts

Thanks to Josh and Liz for two great guest posts: "Believing That Their Favorite Musicians are 'Saved'" and "Ritualistic Candy Eating During the Service." Join the Facebook group and check them out. 

Saturday, January 17, 2009

#9 Breaking Scripture Down Into the Original Hebrew or Greek

White Christian pastors, ever eager to prove that they went to seminary, like to break down scripture into the original Hebrew or Greek. While the congregation marvels over the accurate pronunciation (they assume) of words like "rhua" and "metanoia," the pastor proceeds to translate these foreign words into English. Inevitably the congregation comes to a new and profound understanding of the passage, which ingratiates them to the pastor.

For this reason, a great conspiracy exists among pastors and Zondervan (the Halliburton of Bible publishing) to keep a Bible that actually translates the original Hebrew and Greek into English from reaching the marketplace. Zondervan will go to great lengths to maintain the dominant status of its New International Version. The NIV, although it is in English, apparently is sort of like Cliff Notes for the real thing, necessitating further translation by the exegetically superior from the pulpit.

Pastors that begin to raise a fuss are immediately offered book deals (e.g. Rob Bell, Rick Warren) in exchange for their silence. As powerful as the shadowy Zondervan empire is, the truth is likely to emerge and eventually scholars are bound to produce a Bible that actually translates the original Hebrew and Greek into language the average white Christian can understand.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Facebook Group

Join the new Stuff White Christians Like group on Facebook! All sorts of fun things are going on there, so I'm told. 

Saturday, January 10, 2009

#8 Coffee-Themed Ministry

If it's true that white people like coffee, then it's definitely true that white Christians like coffee-themed ministry. This like of coffee ministry expresses itself in three key forms:

Coffee break ministry. White Christian women love coffee break. It involves the two things that every white Christian mom has earned: coffee, and a break. The glorious juxtaposition of relaxation and caffeination culminates at the intersection of coffee break, Bible study, and free child care.

Coffee after church. Sometimes referred to exclusively as "fellowship," coffee after church is only a portion of a broader white Christian like that will be addressed on this blog at a later point: post-worship refreshments. Coffee after church enables a much-needed "pick-me up" for many white Christians in the post-worship mode. It also enables white Christians to greet each other without touching. Physical touch is something of an enigma to white Christians- expert-level white Christians love it, and greet each other with a "holy kiss" (or at the very least a longer-than-normal/comfortable "holy hug") while others are locked into exclusively shaking hands (see "greeters"). The coffee drinking white Christian, however, needs only to raise a white styrofoam cup of Joe and a friendly eye-brow to say "hello." All this while being refreshed and energized- what a beverage!

Coffee shops actually inside churches with Christian/Coffee based names. This is a more recent development for white Christians, but this evolution was inevitable. Any day that Christianity, commerce, creativity, and coffee can be combined is a banner day for the white Christian. Store names like "The Overflowing Cup," "Jehovah Java," or "Holy Grounds," will stimulate the pun-lobe of the white Christian's mind, then fill the coffee-shaped hole in the white Christian's heart.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

#7 Non-Denominational Churches

The most popular white churches are no longer Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian or even Christian Reformed. White Christians now prefer non-denominational churches that just "teach the Bible." At non-denominational churches charismatic preachers are free from the oppressive traditions of established denominations, such as doctrine developed over the centuries by Biblical scholars.

In addition, "non-denom" or "community" churches are more fun: the theology you are getting from the pulpit could be in the Reformed or Arminian tradition, or maybe something newer and more exciting that your young, dynamic pastor just thought up. Why build the foundation of your church on the likes of Calvin or Arminius when you could base it on the oscillating theology of your hip pastor?

Non-denominational churches are so popular that many churches that actually belong to a denomination will drop the denomination from their name. For example, Springfield Christian Reformed Church becomes Springfield Church (with "a Christian Reformed Ministry" in tiny letters underneath). Or maybe, Riverside Church if it happens to be next to a river. This is a great tactic for tricking white Christians into thinking that they are visiting a non-denominational church.