Saturday, December 26, 2009

#58 Live Nativity Scenes

'Tis the season for Live Nativity Scenes. Oh, Live Nativity Scenes... How do we love thee? Let us count the ways.

For northern geographical locations, live nativity scenes allow curious onlookers to visualize what the famous Bethlehem scene would have looked like if it were under 2 feet of snow, if the angels wore mittens, and if the shepherds wore winter boots, faux beards, and puffy parkas over their shepherd garb.

While the townspeople freak out when they encounter white Christians in this bizarre blend of barn and Bible, live nativity scenes allow the church drama department to take their show on the road (or at least into the church parking lot).

This spontaneous zoo fantasy camp allows white Christians who have never handled animals to be in charge of sheep, pigs, donkeys, horses, cats, peacocks, or any other animals that someone in the congregation has access to. When in doubt, these impromptu wranglers can sedate the animals by feeding them some of the bushels of hay that act as both decor and dinner.

While white Christians enjoy acting out the Christmas story, they don't actually read the Biblical accounts of the birth of Christ. If the did, they would realize the following facts:
  1. Not all Angels are elementary school girls. In fact, all Angels ever mentioned in the Bible have male names.
  2. The three wise men came to Jesus' home- they weren't actually at the original nativity scene.
These Biblical truths aside, the white Christian prefers the perceived feminine cuteness of the halo and wings to the Biblical reality. Also, white Christians have a strong conviction for trusting the invisible hand of the free market. All of the stores that sell nativity figurines sell wise men on camels. The set wouldn't be complete without the wise men... and if a store sells it, it must be true- the market has spoken.

The last, and perhaps best feature of the live nativity scene is that it gives the church infant who plays Jesus bragging rights for the rest of his/her life.

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Al said...

What, a female baby Jesus? Isn't that just about as heretical as 'Papa' in The Shack?

And, on the subject of Christmas Spectaculars, is it just us Canadians that still seem to love the idea of a Singing Christmas Tree, or do they still happen in the US as well?

Jaileigh05 said...

While we're on the subject of the wise men, who decided there should be three? The bible never says three. There are three gifts, yes, but does that mean that there MUST be three wise men? Why not 2, or 4, or 23? No one knows how many there were, but you always see three...

Luther Zwingli said...

Good insight, Jaileigh. I think that you're on to something- though again, I believe that the market has spoken. We all know the Christmas classic "We 3 Kings." This song is on countless Christmas albums that have been sold, so therefore, the market has spoken, and there are 3 wisemen (no more, no less).

This is the same reason that many school children insist that the wisemen smoked rubber cigars.

Roman de la rose and Pygmalion said...


I'm a walking product of heresy, then. :) The year I was born, I was chosen to play the baby Jesus because I was the youngest baby in the church at the time. And no one can tell what gender the baby is under swaddling clothes, anyway. LOL

Al said...

Awesome, R de la R!
But if you start out life playing baby Jesus, it's pretty much downhill from there, as far as your acting career goes. It's kinda hard to find a part that's more divine!

julia said...

i think we should consult Wikipedia for the answer to the correct number of wise men--as you know, if it's in Wikipedia, it's gospel.

VampKatt65 said...

I am also a female who played Baby Jesus my first Christmas season. I was 2 and a half months old, and my Mom always told me how proud she was about how I lay there and didn't cry or fuss.