Saturday, December 19, 2009

#57 Sleeping During Church

Most white Christians attend a contemporary church service starting around 11 am because it allows them to sleep in. You would think that these white Christians would show up for church well rested, but inevitably they will find themselves nodding off mid-service. Even with assistance from the church coffee shop, white Christians can't manage to stay awake for even a one hour service.

These modern day Eutychuses manage to stay awake at work, school and play, but cash out without fail at church. Pews or theater-style seating, it does not matter. Fortunately, they do not all fall asleep at the same time during the service, so the others can wake them and have the favor returned a few minutes later.

Expert-level white Christians will take a little nap during the long prayer preceding the sermon - the length of the prayer typically allows for getting through all the sleep stages, including a few solid minutes of REM, before waking up as the prayer concludes, completely undetected. Less advanced white Christians tend to nod off during the sermon - quite embarrassing as they will be noticed and poked by those next to them in the pew. There are many excuses a dozing disciple may attempt at this point, from claiming to be offering a mid-sermon prayer for the pastor (made more convincing by saying "amen" as soon as you awaken) to asserting that they were slain by the Spirit, but none will be convincing.

One of the reasons for all the heavy eyelids during the morning service may be the wholesale abandonment of evening services over the past decade. The evening service used to be the prime napping time for white Christians, and now that no one attends night church anymore, they have to make up for that time somewhere.

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3 comments:

Jay Godse said...

Doesn't it say in the bible that, "...a minister is a man who talks in your sleep"

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Former Pres. Clinton was guilty of this one... click here.

Anonymous said...

That is why they shout a lot in black churches.