Saturday, October 31, 2009

#50 Taking Scripture Out of Context For Humorous Purposes


White Christians spend years studying and memorizing Bible verses, from Sunday school to, well, adult Sunday school. Throughout their lives they will look to these verses for comfort or direction. However, just as normal people will quote from Tommy Boy, The Princess Bride, or The Big Lebowksi to be funny, white Christians can't help but use their vast reservoir of memory verses for humorous, rather than spiritual purposes.

For example, if a teenager is leaving the house on a Sunday afternoon to go shopping, a white Christian parent will take delight in asking her "Is your ass in a pit?" (Luke 14:5), playing on Jesus' comments (KJV) to the Pharisees about the Sabbath. This works perfectly, because it casts just the right amount of judgment to cause a slight tinge of guilt without being preachy and it's a great excuse to say "ass."

Expert level white Christians do not say that someone was "driving like a bat out of hell." Rather, they will slyly reference 2 Kings 9:20 - "Marge tore out of the parking lot driving like Jehu." A particularly dense object is not said to be "hard as a rock," but "hard as Pharaoh's heart" (Exodus 7:3).

Bible verses can even be used as pickup lines. Young white Christian men are known to break the ice with the ladies by using lines like "Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead" (Song of Soloman 6:5) or "For your hand in marriage, I would bring your father the foreskins of two hundred Philistines" (1 Samuel 18:25-27). These women then joke to their friends "Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me" (Psalm 56:1).

In the event these pickup lines are successful and two white Christians get married (right out of college, of course), throughout their marriage the husband will delight in telling his wife to submit to him and wash the dishes (Ephesians 5:22). If she chooses to respond by making fun of his baldness, the follicly challenged husband will threaten to make like Elisha and call down bears from the woods to maul her (2 Kings 2:23-24).

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10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Who knew the Bible also provided justification for certain, uh, private, solitary activities?

Ecclesiastes 9:10 - "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might."

Hillary Manton Lodge said...

In the nursery above the changing tables at our old church, there was a framed document that quoted I Cor. 15:50-52 "...For we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed."

marcusaurelius said...

that was solid gold, thanks.

KIM said...

Philippians 3:15 is the perfect verse to use whenever two Christians disagree (just hope you get it in first!): "All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you."

merrileem said...

My dad dies at age 92 in 1998, and he used to LOVE this kind of stuff. One of his personal faves was asking us who the most flexibly man in the Bible was. Abraham, since he tied his ass to a tree and climbed a mountain.

Jay Godse said...

Let's see...there's the old admonition of Paul to Timothy about "flea fornication".

And, of course, when one Philistine priest says to the other, "How's your Dagon?".

When you run out, you can talk about Daniel's 3 buddies, Myshack, Yourshack, and A-bed-to-go.

You can also twist a few old lines. For example, in business, you can say, "Verily, verily I say unto thee, that cash-flow covereth a multitude of sins".

Anonymous said...

Excellent topic. This is one of my favorite posts yet and I read this site religously.

My favorite line in college to cute, Christian coeds was "let me minister to you with tongues and the laying on of hands". Very risky though and I don't recommend it. It has to be the right kind of cute christian coed, most guys discern this type sometime during junior year. And then senior year they start dating and soon marry the other kind.

Anonymous said...

I saw a bumper sticker that said "Pray for Obama - Psalm 109:8."

The verse? "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

Anonymous said...

Matt 4:4 "Man shall not live by bread alone."

I've had that one used on me and my friends occasionally.

The Ten-Minute Theologian said...

"If only you would shut up and let that be your wisdom!" ~ Job 13:5