Saturday, October 31, 2009
White Christians spend years studying and memorizing Bible verses, from Sunday school to, well, adult Sunday school. Throughout their lives they will look to these verses for comfort or direction. However, just as normal people will quote from Tommy Boy, The Princess Bride, or The Big Lebowksi to be funny, white Christians can't help but use their vast reservoir of memory verses for humorous, rather than spiritual purposes.
For example, if a teenager is leaving the house on a Sunday afternoon to go shopping, a white Christian parent will take delight in asking her "Is your ass in a pit?" (Luke 14:5), playing on Jesus' comments (KJV) to the Pharisees about the Sabbath. This works perfectly, because it casts just the right amount of judgment to cause a slight tinge of guilt without being preachy and it's a great excuse to say "ass."
Expert level white Christians do not say that someone was "driving like a bat out of hell." Rather, they will slyly reference 2 Kings 9:20 - "Marge tore out of the parking lot driving like Jehu." A particularly dense object is not said to be "hard as a rock," but "hard as Pharaoh's heart" (Exodus 7:3).
Bible verses can even be used as pickup lines. Young white Christian men are known to break the ice with the ladies by using lines like "Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead" (Song of Soloman 6:5) or "For your hand in marriage, I would bring your father the foreskins of two hundred Philistines" (1 Samuel 18:25-27). These women then joke to their friends "Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me" (Psalm 56:1).
In the event these pickup lines are successful and two white Christians get married (right out of college, of course), throughout their marriage the husband will delight in telling his wife to submit to him and wash the dishes (Ephesians 5:22). If she chooses to respond by making fun of his baldness, the follicly challenged husband will threaten to make like Elisha and call down bears from the woods to maul her (2 Kings 2:23-24).