Saturday, October 17, 2009

#48 Swear Word Substitutes


From an early age, white Christians are taught that cursing is one of worst sins they can commit. This is probably because an 8 year old is not very likely to murder, commit adultery or get a job that requires him to work on Sunday. However, life's misfortunes still require verbal outbursts, so white Christians have amassed dozens of swearword substitutes that are far more Christ-like.

If normal curse words are somewhat nonsensical, the white Christian's swear word substitutes make even less sense because they are loosely based on the real deal. In addition, they are often made up on the spot by white Christian parents desperately trying not to curse in front of their children. After hitting his thumb with a hammer, a white Christian father can't stop the beginnings of some naughty words from escaping his lips, but he can pull an audible to protect young ears with a "God bless it" or a "son of a biscuit." What the progeny of a small, flat-baked bread product has to do with a purple finger nail is anyone's guess, but hokey toot, he just got out of a major freaking jam.

Many of the white Christian's surrogate swearwords are clearly preferred to the alternative, such as "frick," "fudge," and "what the fun." However, some do not seem to be much different from the real profanities. The only apparent difference between poop, crap, and another word is that the surrogate swears don't get your mouth washed out with soap.


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9 comments:

Luther Zwingli said...

Ha! "Hokey toot, he just got out of a major freaking jam." That is awesome.

Luther Zwingli said...

A couple of other observations:

1) SOME white Christians are even so daring that they drop the F-bomb... "fricken."

2) In an attempt to keep up with modern communications, many white Christian youths will text "OMG" as part of standard communication to friends. The beauty of this code is that the white Christian text sender secretly intends this phrase to mean "Oh my Gosh," but the interpretation of the code is up to the text receiver.

Anonymous said...

I know a White Christian who actually says "frick me" when he's frustrated.

kake79 said...

The resident comedian of the youth group had a few funny alternatives:

Got dandruff... and it itches, too!

Cheese-and-rice!

Amber said...

"... "son of a biscuit." What the progeny of a small, flat-baked bread product has to do with a purple finger nail is anyone's guess..." is the funniest thing I've read in ages! Thanks for helping me laugh so much!

Other substitute cusswords: Eff, effen, oh-emgee, and "socks and shoes!"

Mr. Eding said...

"Damage!" Say it out loud, as if you're really angry.

Laura said...

don't forget the classic phrase: "SugarHoneyIcedTea" and some of my personal favorite conservative slang, "son-of-a-gun" "oh my goodness" "shanasta" and "shoot"

VampKatt65 said...

Three things I'm reminded of by this post. My Mom, God love her, who occasionally when very angry would yell "SH*T!" followed IMMEDIATELY by, "Lord, forgive me." Second, a freakishly religious boy who went to school with my eldest daughter. One day, she came home from school and informed me that he had heard her say "shoot" and let her know that what she had just said was "candy-coated evil". We still use this phrase in our family to this day. Third, but certainly not least, Ned Flanders. That is doo-diddly all.

Calvin and Hobbes said...

Erroneous.. Have you all ever seen the movie Harry Potter, you remind me all the overly frightened wizards. The point of not cursing is to not submit to the customs of the people who used these words. It's also to not verbally show your anger. In either case, it doesn't matter what word you say to "cover up the meaning" of any swear word, it's the thought process behind it. Do not submit to the customs of this world. If you're saying "pink lilies in paradise," after stubbing a toe, a little kid doesn't understand the meaning of that any more than he knows the meaning of "damn it." It's the same learning application for him to just associate the words you use, with the action and anger that you show. The kid will see the words you use, use them in the same way and be "cover coated candying" the words. You may say, 'well that's great then, cursing avoided.' Well then you didn't read the article, and to that kid, it's as good as cursing. We give too much concern to the given letters formed together to make the word then the meaning behind the word, tell me which is more important the letters "d" "a" "m" "n" forming a word with no definition? Or any word inferring the meaning of God condemning one to Hell. If you're going to do one or the other, be consistent, don't curse in your own language and say how repugnant another sounds. If you're going to use these hidden profanities then go ahead and follow Harry, say Voldemort, what's everyone so scared of, it's the same thing as "the-one-that-should-not-be-named" same meaning, different word.