Saturday, October 3, 2009

#46 Turning Everything Into a Ministry

As a general rule, if white Christians enjoy something, they will turn it into a ministry. White Christians reason that if an activity if enjoyable, turning said activity into a ministry can only enhance it. Coffee? Coffee themed ministries like Coffee Break. Softball? Church softball league.

White non-Christians often coordinate themselves in a similar fashion, only to have their organized-fun groups instantly copied by white Christians. Boy/Girl Scouts have an endless number of Christian alternatives, from the Cadets to the Frontier Girls. Instead of enjoying knitting at a "Stitch and Bitch," white Christian women can take part in knitting groups like "Knit Together" or "Prayer Knit." Not only do the Christian knitting groups not have bad words in their names, women also don't feel pressured to complain about their spouse and kids.

There is now a church league for every sport imaginable. White Christian churches will assemble a team comprised of the most athletic members of the congregation, plus a few ringers people to witness to from outside the church. After a pre-game prayer, the games will usually devolve into dirty play, swearing, fighting and theological trash talk. For example: "That at bat sure was evidence for total depravity" or "God predestined that you will miss this shot."

When an enjoyable activity is turned into a ministry, white Christians find the activity all the more gratifying because they can have fun and serve God at the same time. In addition, it's much easier for white Christians to get away from any responsibilities at home when their Christian paint ball league has attained equal ecclesiastical status to small group or Sunday school.

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Al said...

It's also a great excuse for not engaging the world around you. Instead you can add your sports activities to the list of ways you only interact with fellow Christians, and thus remain unstained by (and ineffective to) the world.

ChuckEastNashville said...

Reaching out to the world, one at-bat at a time.

The Thief said...

I have a friend who credits his salvation to a church softball team. They actually needed additional players and so when he signed up for the league, their team was the only one that had openings for individuals to join.

The team members actually behaved like Christians are supposed to behave - on field and off - and so when someone invited him to church, he accepted.

Then the guys from the softball team stuck around with him, spending the next 2 hours answering his questions about what had happened in the service.

I know this isn't the usual experience with most church athletics; this is just a reminder that there are legitimate Christian activities...

Anonymous said...

"This website is satire created by actual white Christians for everyone's enjoyment. Let's laugh at ourselves people. Please hold off on the angry emails or comments unless we really deserve it."

Nice ministry! Really.

Library Lady said...

I'm a librarian at a Christian school and wanted to have a coffee maker in my work area. I got the "okee dokee" on it because I said it'd be a "Coffee Ministry". Admin really liked that idea!

Luther Zwingli said...

coffee-themed ministries are actually mentioned early on this blog (#8). Glad you're enjoying our website!

Anonymous said...

My husband is a pastor and I think this site is GREAT! Thanks for the laughs!