Saturday, June 27, 2009

#32 Youth Pastors

While white Christians love babies, teenagers are a lot to handle. They are beginning to make decisions for themselves, which terrifies their parents. Nothing keeps parents up at night like the thought of their teenager getting frisky with a member of the opposite sex.

Parents could sit their teenager down for a very awkward discussion about sex before marriage, but they prefer to outsource this task. If there are at least 10 adolescents in the church, the parents will seek out a hip guy in his 20's or 30's to do their dirty work. If this outgoing guy can play guitar and has a goatee, he will probably be offered a full time position at the church as "youth pastor."

Since youth pastors were born within 15 years of the youth group members, they are the sole authority figure that teens can relate to. The youth pastor has at least heard of the bands they listen too and, unlike their parents, he does not talk about "getting a Facebook," refer to the internet as "the world wide web," or type his name at the end of his text messages.

Youth pastors should also be adept at picking a cool name for the youth group. Anything with purposefully misspelled words like "X-treme Youth" or "Nu Creation" works great, but don't forget acronyms - "TLC - Teens Loving Christ" or "FIRE - Faith Igniting Radical Energy." After selecting the name, a youth pastor will order a few hundred shirts emblazoned with the logo he created in Microsoft Paint. However, only a few people will bring the $10 for their shirt and he will be forced to try to give the rest away as prizes for wacky youth group games over the next decade. By the time all the shirts have been handed out he will be too old to be a youth pastor, so someone new will step in and repeat this cycle.
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

8 comments:

The Editor said...

Hahaha, I love it - the Microsoft Paint reference is killer. Check out the Diatribe Daily @ http://diatribedaily.com - right there with you (though a bit more vulgar)

Anonymous said...

I thought my dad was the only one who signed his text messages!! This was hilarious. Rivals the polical post for best post yet.

Scary Mary said...

This is so true- my current youth pastor has a goatee and plays the guitar, as well as youth pastors I've had in the past.

anna said...

And I love how the picture shows his hair gelled up - almost as crucial as the goatee. Let's not forgot the birkenstocks and the complete overuse of the word "awesome."

Anonymous said...

Don't forget that the use of "(guys and) gals" increases each year of a youth pastor's career.

Catherine R. said...

In my experience, it's the "soul patch" that is the most important piece of facial hair for a youth pastor...I have joked about starting a Christian rock band called "Soul Patch" and sing all the "Jesus is my boyfriend" type songs but it's only the thought that's funny : ]

gabi said...

hah, that's a terrific idea.
except some peolple wouldn't understand the irony, and ACTUALLY MIGHT LIKE IT...
but yes, the soul patch is not negotiable.

Anonymous said...

WHat is up with the goatee on youth pastors??? I have always noticed that. Hilarious.