Saturday, May 23, 2009

#27 Babies

White Christians like to know that there will be more white Christians in the future. That is why every white Christian couple seeks to replenish the earth and subdue it... by adding 2.3 children into the church's Sunday school program.

Exactly how churches handle babies is extremely important to white Christians. They have been known to flock to churches with good baby care and preschool programs- even if the rest of the church is in complete disarray. The pastor could be having an affair with both church secretaries, holding three hour services, and reading from the King James Version while simultaneously converting to Mormonism... but if the nursery is good, that church has it made in the shade.

A recent white Christian trend is for mothers to cut out the nursery middle man (or volunteer junior high girl), and bring their babies along with them into the church service. Babies used to be banished from the sanctuary from baptism until 1st grade, but in today's baby-crazed love fest, anything goes.
White Christian mothers are immune to all levels of baby screams, having developed a high tolerance level through the hours of baby scream practice at home. The rest of the congregation however, cringes as the pastor tries to continue speaking over the exponentially shrill worship-time shrieks.

Interestingly, babies also represent an opportunity to catch white Christians in a babylove/doctrinal paradox. Upon revealing an infant, among the "oohs" and "ahhs" emanating from the gathered white Christian flock, the phrase "Oh... she's perfect!" will inevitably be uttered. If you ever want to see a disappointed group of white Christian women, now is the perfect time to begin a doctrinal discussion on total depravity.

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Aubrey said...

So true, so very true. I feel like a terrible white Christian since I haven't even gotten married yet I'm not where near the point of filling the earth and subduing it.

Idea: Stuff white christians like: Going to college and getting married! Schools to go to include Calvin, Trinity and most especially Dordt.

rychez said...

I was about to join the Facebook 6 Degrees of Christian Separation group....until I happened on this...the first available post. Don't think it's very "Christian" Oh and I am a White Christian who attends a predominantly Black Christian church.....plenty of screaming babies in church I assure you.

Luther Zwingli said...

rychez, i think that you're missing the point of this blog. Read the disclaimer and come on back anytime.

Anonymous said...

You know, your site reads a great deal like this one:

I mean, surprisingly so, really. Were you aware someone was already doing the same thing before you started this blog?

Luther Zwingli said...

Anonymous- we are indeed aware of this other site, though we were at about post 10 before we were made aware of it. We don't take ideas (or even read) this other site... though a certain overlap is inevitable.

Our hope is that there's enough funny to go around. The two sites definitely have a different approach- we're a "one-a-week" (hopefully quality minded) site. The other is a quantity site- though that's not to say that there isn't quality.

Basically, we're doing our own thing... so far, it looks like our readers like it, so we're going to keep writing as we're inspired to do so.

Abraham Calvin said...

Well put, Luther.

I don't think the other guy thought of the idea first, either. Otherwise, he wouldn't have had to go with stufff with 3 f's. Besides, the original idea is really Stuff White People Like, not any of the spin-offs, which include "Stuff Catholics Like" and "Stuff Black People Like" if you're interested.

Also, I don't think this blog reads anything like his blog. Anyway, we're having fun and I think we'll keep going.

Andrew said...

having grown up in a white christian church, I experienced the baby screams during the sermons. Ask anyone from my generation who the major culprits were, and they will give you the name of one family in particular. At my church, it was customary to remove a mis-behaving child from the service when that child became restless. This family, however, no matter how badly their children behaved, no matter how loud they screamed, refused to remove them from the sanctuary. It still conjures up nightmares from those who were there each week.

Luther Zwingli said...

Small world- my church was exactly like this- guess I shouldn't be surprised. The family (who shall remain nameless) was infamous for keeping the screamers in the sanctuary.

littlekidlover said...

Just dropped my baby off at nursery for the first time last Sunday. Granted, he's almost 2. I had no idea how obnoxious I was being until I read this post. Thank you.

ChuckEastNashville said...

There are people who will shop churches based on their needs at that moment. If a Baptist church has the best nursery, family attends there and drops child in day care.

When child becomes a little older, maybe the Catholic Youth Organization offers a better developed child program. Family now attends Mass.

Suppose the Churches of Christ have the best sports programs or teams. Well, the family starts attending C of C when child becomes a teenager.

Doctrine and dogma be damned, these people want a church to cater to their needs, and more specifically, give them time away from their kids.

Anonymous said...

rychez, screaming babies in a black church? not in my experience, they seemed to respond very well to having their mouths covered by their mothers.