Saturday, May 16, 2009

#26 Being Passionate, Yet Vague About Politics

White Christians are passionate about politics, but they would be mortified if someone wanted to argue about politics while enjoying post-worship refreshments. Although they care deeply about the issues, they have mastered the art of being intentionally vague about their individual political stripe.

The white Christian's party affiliation is usually a closely held secret (at church at least), but they are constantly on the lookout for subtle cues that betray someone's ideology. Any mention of "social justice" is a dead giveaway that someone is a liberal, while bringing up abortion or "values" identifies the conservatives. Once a white Christian is 100% certain that his fellow churchgoer is of the same political persuasion, he will feel comfortable uttering the odd comment about "God-less tax raisers" or "cold-hearted capitalists" and will begin sending this person daily email forwards comparing a politician they don't like to Hitler.

The pastor is ever careful to avoid politics in the sermon. If there is a major political issue such as an election, war, or invalid about to be removed from life support, the pastor will mention these matters and then pray that "the Lord's will be done." This is very clever because both the secret Christian Democrat and the secret Christian Republican know that their political party is much more in line with the Lord's will than the other party and they are reassured that the pastor shares their political beliefs.

Following these simple rules allows the secret white Christian Democrat and the secret white Christian Republican to live in harmony. They each know that the Lord agrees with them and cannot fathom how any right-thinking Christian could believe otherwise.

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8 comments:

Some Dude said...

I think you are on to something here.

Luther Zwingli said...

Abraham- I'd be interested on your take as to what the secret Christian Green-party people do to sniff out fellow secret Christian Green-party people. Afterall, they're a very small minority within general culture... how much more in the Christian church!

Other than asking someone if they like Ralph Nader, anybody out there have any ideas?

anna said...

maybe they should have a secret signal a la the sting

Abraham Calvin said...

Secret Green Party white Christians are easily identified. You will find them digging bulletins out of the trash to put in the recycling bin while drinking coffee from the cup they brought from home. They will also be carrying some sort of sack - not a purse, but a bag stitched together from recycled materials. They may also smell.

Caridad said...

Laughing!

Anonymous said...

White Christians like blackcoptermedia.com

Seaners said...

interesting how you add "right"-thinking Christian at the end... hmmmm... =)

ChuckEastNashville said...

Is there any denomination whose doctrine promotes abortion? As much as I am a fan of primacy of conscience in an individual to decide, I cannot recall any Catholic or Protestant church that specifically condones abortion. Help anyone?