Saturday, May 2, 2009

#24 Morphing Traditional Christian Vernacular

Out with the old, and in with the new. White Christians like to stay on the cutting edge of communication- which is why they do away with any word or phrase that could be mistaken for "traditional."

After all, white Christians have already done away with
traditional worship services- why wouldn't they eliminate traditional language?

Examples of this chaged speech include:
  • "Sanctuary" is now "Worship Center" or "Auditorium"

  • "Pulpit" is now "Stage" or "Platform"

  • "Bulletin" is now "Program" or "Worship folder"

  • "Congregation is now "Crowd" or "Audience"

  • "Pastor" or "Preacher" is now "Speaker"

  • "Narthex" is now "Lobby" or "Fellowship Hall"

  • "Nursery" is now "Child Care"

  • "Praise Team" is now "Band"

  • "Fellow Christian" or "Brother" is now "Dude" or "Bro"

  • "Church Service" is now "Assembly"

  • "Benediction" is now "Blessing"

An added bonus of this morphed vernacular is that white Christians can now brag about going to church to their non-church going friends, and they might be confused for going to a rock-concert. For instance, use the following sentence as a sort of morphed Christian vernacular mad-libbs:

"Yeah, dude, I went to this assembly-- the lobby behind the auditorium was packed before the thing started. When the band on stage was introduced by the speaker, the crowd was really into it. Check out this program- it's got all of the details."

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15 comments:

abockheim said...

That might explain why the last time I was in a Christian church I felt the urge to ask where the concession stand was?

Luther Zwingli said...

interesting instinct, abockheim. Depending on what you're in the market for (coffee), you might be able to find it in the in-church coffee shop.

Mr. Eding said...

I take issue with the "traditional" term "praise team." I would say a more accurate translation would be as follows:

"Organ" is now "Band"

Andrew said...

Mr. Eding - you're on the right track. In fact, "Praise team" was a term that white christians had to adopt relatively recently due to the advent of contemporary worship services. This is an example of the wide spectrum that is white christendom. While some may be just getting comfortable using the term "praise team" others will not have this term introduced to them until years from now (see white christian churches in the innermost parts of the country). Nevertheless, the most progressive white christians have already begun to dispense with this term. What versatility, huh?

Ruth said...

As a Baptist preacher's kid - who has strayed from the fold BTW - this is loads of fun.

Thanks for the tip.

Luther Zwingli said...

Baptist PK, huh? Cool.

Welcome aboard.

Matt @ The Church of No People said...

Hey, Luther/Zwingli, thanks for 'following' my blog! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

I've got a couple to add: one church I used to attend would simply call the worship services 'gatherings.' And they called bulletins 'kairos.' Don't know where they came up with that or what it was supposed to mean, but it sounded cool.

Matt @ The Church of No People said...

Oh, and great blog! Glad to make your blog acquaintance!

Luther Zwingli said...

Hey, Matt! Welcome aboard!

Thanks for the compliments- I'm a fan of your blog... particularly your layout- very cool.

"Gatherings" and "Kairos" are certainly worth documentation.

Eddie Eddings said...

Who knows? In a few years, the pastor may be known as the Ringmaster for the Three-ring (Trinity) Circus! (hope not)
Thanks for your hard work...blogging isn't for the weak or faint of heart!

Luther Zwingli said...

Thanks, Eddie. Both Abraham and I wear "blog-strong" bracelets as we bring the white Christian humor.

Hope to see you back soon. Keep the comments coming.

rod said...

Communion/Eucharist is now "Juice and crackers"

They are Spiritual not religious
they show this with sign's like
"Jesus wrecked my religion"
"Jesus was against Religion"
"I don't have a religion I have a relationship"

Anonymous said...

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ChuckEastNashville said...

Would a church with televised worship service refer to its congregation as "studio audience"?

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... not true.
I'm an Episcopalian and we have not done away with "traditional" services, we still use all of the "old-church" vernacular and we're the whitest church you'd ever see.haha