Saturday, February 28, 2009

#15 White Jesus

White Christians are quite familiar with the Bible (well, the New Testament anyway). Based on careful analysis of the Gospels, all white Christians have come to the conclusion that, without a doubt, Jesus was white. Despite rumors of Middle Eastern ancestry, our Savior is always depicted as having white skin, angular features, long brown hair, and piercing blue eyes.

Over the centuries, artists have considered Isaiah 52 ("He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him, nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him") and the fact that Jesus worked as a carpenter (without power tools) until his 30's, and decided that Jesus was a pale, skinny, effeminate Prada model.

Historians agree that Jewish men in Jesus' day had short hair - at some point, being a Nazarene got mixed up with being a Nazarite, and He has since been depicted with long hair or even a mullet. This has resulted in bumper stickers claiming that Jesus is a Democrat.

White Christians effortlessly counter claims of an olive-skinned Jesus with historical evidence of their own: Arthur Maxwell's The Bible Story and the Hanna-Barbera video series "The Greatest Adventure Stories From the Bible" clearly show that not only was Jesus white, but so was every other person mentioned in the Bible.


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10 comments:

Aves said...

"and decided that Jesus was a pale, skinny, effeminate Prada model" ... " the Hanna-Barbera video series "The Greatest Adventure Stories From the Bible" clearly show that not only was Jesus white, but so was every other person mentioned in the Bible".

Priceless!

"He has since been depicted with long hair or even a mullet. This has resulted in bumper stickers claiming that Jesus is a Democrat. "

The mullet might suggest that Jesus, far from being a Democrat, was in fact a secret dove hunter! Hm - we'll keep that one on the QT ...

You guys are hilarious. You can laugh at our shared White Christian foibles with what I'll call "loving irreverence", without ever being truly disrespectful. Thanks again for the great work.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

bout the lady that said jesus was white and so was everybody in the book.lady u are full of it ur hater and thats sick how could u belive something like that when WHITE PPL ARE NOT FROM AFRICA.AND IT ALSO SAID FEET OF BRASS AND WOOLY HAIR WERE THE HELL DOES IT SAY PALE FACE AND STA8 HAIR OPEN YOUR EYES AND STOP BEING BILND!!!!UR PPL LIED TO U CAUSE THEIR WEEK AND ALL THEY DO IS STEAL FROM OTHERs!!!! and clam they did it.

Anonymous said...

bout the lady that said jesus was white and so was everybody in the book.lady u are full of it ur hater and thats sick how could u belive something like that when WHITE PPL ARE NOT FROM AFRICA.AND IT ALSO SAID FEET OF BRASS AND WOOLY HAIR WERE THE HELL DOES IT SAY PALE FACE AND STA8 HAIR OPEN YOUR EYES AND STOP BEING BILND!!!!UR PPL LIED TO U CAUSE THEIR WEEK AND ALL THEY DO IS STEAL FROM OTHERs!!!! and clam they did it.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Sounds like the person incapable of spelling is a member of one of the conquered people...sore loser. Jesus probably was brown, brass feet and nappy hair? Although there are some pale people in that area.

Anonymous said...

Yeshua was obviously Middle Eastern, Semitic, and Jewish. He was a descendant of David. Yeshua was a carpenter, so he would have been muscular. Brown eyes, black hair and light brown skinned.

jamesjpn said...

The other day some white nationalist tried to prove to me that Jesus was white, that Shem is the father of the white peoples, and even that Shem is the father of white skin Russians! Genesis chapter 10 proves her wrong. I learned she got those ideas from a teaching in Nazi Germany, Hitler's time. She herself is a Hitler fan. I mean, how deceived can people get? Pretty deceived when they don't do their homework snd just listen to some idiot in authority.

Anonymous said...

Does any TRUE Christian care if the son of God, his only son... Jesus Christ was as white as rice or not?.... NO, what most white CHRISTIANS or any OTHER color of SKIN PIGMENT color, for that matter, doesn't agree with is all the co-existence, and dis-respect those terroist called moslems, who are devout quran "followers," taunting hate and war-mongers do. We actually love the sinners, yet hate the sin ... Moslems, are so deeply indoctrinated ... according to their holy book! EVERYONE who doesn't agree with their prophet, nor their holy book is an INFIDEL, they teach and spread HATRED. Fact is... Jesus NEVER EVER commanded ANYONE to murder "in order to attain life after death!" This HUGE misconception, and frankly mis-representation moslems would have most uneducated in their so called religion, isn't really religion... what it is, a CULT of pure and simply evil! Get educated in "real RELIGION." Especially FACTUAL history of islamist/aka... moslem Cult. They most especially HATE ALL "Western" people... remember Fort Hood, remember 9/ll, remember the Boston Marathon... and do I really need to continue, folks? SERIOUSLY???!!! These folks absolutely despise ALL OTHER RELIGIONS, even you too, if you are agnostic, so STUDY UP folks... we are ALL the now infamous INFIDEL, according the that quran... Pray For ALL Sinners!!!!

Anonymous said...

to bad folks will not stop yapping about the color of His skin tone... read the Bible, instead... learn about a TRUE Savior, one of Love and everlasting life, I suggest John 3:16, Holy Bible...