Saturday, February 21, 2009

#14 Potlucks

Some white Christian activities are hard to understand. Nothing validates this statement of confusion like potlucks.

In this bizarre ritual, white Christians assemble, bring a variety of homemade Italian dishes and casseroles together, and actively engage in a culinary orgy of smorgasbord-darwinianism.

White Christian children all know that potlucks represent their eating something other than their mother's cooking, that the food will be far worse than their mom's food, and that they're going to be required to sample a lot of other family's crappy casseroles or "crap-eroles." White Christian children are encouraged to "just try it," knowing full well, that with the author of this devil-dish watching their every gag reflex, there's no praying themselves out of this dining purgatory.

White Christians call these events "Potlucks" because that's precisely what you need to survive the event: a pot, and some luck. Ordinarily, white Christians don't believe in luck (it's called "Providence") but the authors of this blog are relatively certain that Potlucks are "of the devil."


Abraham Calvin said...

In addition to choking down various "crap-eroles", white Christians are also forced to engage in small talk throughout the meal - much longer than the 3 minute intervals around coffee with which they are comfortable. This is post worship refreshment gone too far!

Luther Zwingli said...

Precisely, Abraham. Potlucks actually transcend the post-worship refreshment into full-on post-worship sustenance.

This tragic over-stepping leads to much of the uncomfortable nature of the Potluck.

anna said...

I HATE potlucks. With a burning passion. Everything has broccoli in it and I'm always the last one to the dessert table, only to find that the single remaining dish is the untouched walnut/caramel/pecan/cream cheese disaster that some 80 year old lady made. Hit this one right on the head!

Anonymous said...

When I read that last sentence I started laughing pretty hard, although it's because I misread it!
I thought it said, what you need to enjoy these events is SOME POT, and some luck, not "A Pot".

Ah well, I'll assume that's what you may have ment anyway.

Monte said...

White children who know how to play the game disappear into Sunday School rooms (as soon as their parents are listening un-interruptably to someone that requires willpower to listen to), taking with them mounds of desserts that their mothers don't let them eat. There they'll play mini-basketball while carrying pieces of cake, the frosting of which soon slickens the floor.

Luther Zwingli said...

Nicely said, Monte. To the white Christian child, disappearing into classrooms is an artform. Parent-to-parent conversations are definitely among the most uninterruptable, so it allows for children to easily slip away into the glorious realm of the unsupervised.

Anonymous said...

I am black and 10 years ago moved to a new state and joined a white christian church. I will say that everything you say on this site is on point and absolutely hilarious!!!!!!! I actually work for a white christian associate pastor at my church and he LOVES his Greeters, we even have a new greeter husband and wife management team.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates the craperoles and is annoyed by the unsupervised children.

Keep it up, you are great!

Luther Zwingli said...


Thanks for the kind words- it's nice to meet readers that enjoy our blog.

As we mention, this blog is written by actual white Christians for the amusement of all people- nice to meet a black Christian who appreciates our work- that means we're doing our job.

Keep coming back, and we'll continue to provide (hopefully) funny commentary on this culture.

Anonymous said...

What everyone forgets on this topic are the potluck survival techniques (PST's) needed.
First of all, you need to go behind someone you know, and ask them to try everything, thus making them weed out the craperoles and weird salads and other potluck undesirables.
Second is to always fill up on whats consistent, don't go for anything extravagant. Stuff like Caesar Salad, even the most ignorant of white christians should be able to buy some lettuce and dressing...
And for desserts, go for consistency also, chocolate things are 26.3% tastier, on average, than fruity things.

But overall, the key is cunning observance, the average white christian will make obvious signs when tasting craperoles, such things as 'the flinch', which will be followed by pointing to the plate and whispering with a friend.

Anonymous said...

I recently started going back to church again, and was reintroduced to the horror of these potlucks once more.

There's something that everyone else has failed to mention. For the cost of making something for a potluck, you could have taken yourself out to eat (at least if you're single like me). The food will taste considerably better, the restaurant's a much nicer place to eat, and as a bonus you don't have to do any cooking.

Bailey said...

At my church we do everything and beyond, sometimes win sometimes fail. My favorite is the Chicken&Dumplins contest mmmmmmmmm sooo good