Saturday, January 17, 2009

#9 Breaking Scripture Down Into the Original Hebrew or Greek

White Christian pastors, ever eager to prove that they went to seminary, like to break down scripture into the original Hebrew or Greek. While the congregation marvels over the accurate pronunciation (they assume) of words like "rhua" and "metanoia," the pastor proceeds to translate these foreign words into English. Inevitably the congregation comes to a new and profound understanding of the passage, which ingratiates them to the pastor.

For this reason, a great conspiracy exists among pastors and Zondervan (the Halliburton of Bible publishing) to keep a Bible that actually translates the original Hebrew and Greek into English from reaching the marketplace. Zondervan will go to great lengths to maintain the dominant status of its New International Version. The NIV, although it is in English, apparently is sort of like Cliff Notes for the real thing, necessitating further translation by the exegetically superior from the pulpit.

Pastors that begin to raise a fuss are immediately offered book deals (e.g. Rob Bell, Rick Warren) in exchange for their silence. As powerful as the shadowy Zondervan empire is, the truth is likely to emerge and eventually scholars are bound to produce a Bible that actually translates the original Hebrew and Greek into language the average white Christian can understand.


Abraham Calvin said...

Just to clarify - as a white Christian, I do like it when pastors break down scripture into the original Hebrew or Greek.

Luther Zwingli said...

Shalom, Abraham. Shalom.

Dustin Winebrenner said...

I know! My pastors and especially those guys on the radio are always saying, "a better translation of this verse is..."

Then why didn't they just translate it that way to begin with!!!

This gets said so often it leaves me wondering, what can really be understood from these English words I've got anyway?

Max Effort! said...

I'd like to like this and I'm ready to laugh, but pointing out typical Christian stuff and thinking it's clever or satire that white Christians like it isn't funny.

Abraham Calvin said...

Max Effort, sorry to disappoint. Best wishes finding a Christian humor blog that moves you from being merely ready to laugh to actually emitting an audible expression of happiness. When you do find a blog that causes your epiglottis to constrict your larynx, leading to actual laughter, please report back to us so that we too may go and laugh at it.