Saturday, January 10, 2009

#8 Coffee-Themed Ministry

If it's true that white people like coffee, then it's definitely true that white Christians like coffee-themed ministry. This like of coffee ministry expresses itself in three key forms:

Coffee break ministry. White Christian women love coffee break. It involves the two things that every white Christian mom has earned: coffee, and a break. The glorious juxtaposition of relaxation and caffeination culminates at the intersection of coffee break, Bible study, and free child care.

Coffee after church. Sometimes referred to exclusively as "fellowship," coffee after church is only a portion of a broader white Christian like that will be addressed on this blog at a later point: post-worship refreshments. Coffee after church enables a much-needed "pick-me up" for many white Christians in the post-worship mode. It also enables white Christians to greet each other without touching. Physical touch is something of an enigma to white Christians- expert-level white Christians love it, and greet each other with a "holy kiss" (or at the very least a longer-than-normal/comfortable "holy hug") while others are locked into exclusively shaking hands (see "greeters"). The coffee drinking white Christian, however, needs only to raise a white styrofoam cup of Joe and a friendly eye-brow to say "hello." All this while being refreshed and energized- what a beverage!

Coffee shops actually inside churches with Christian/Coffee based names. This is a more recent development for white Christians, but this evolution was inevitable. Any day that Christianity, commerce, creativity, and coffee can be combined is a banner day for the white Christian. Store names like "The Overflowing Cup," "Jehovah Java," or "Holy Grounds," will stimulate the pun-lobe of the white Christian's mind, then fill the coffee-shaped hole in the white Christian's heart.

9 comments:

Abraham Calvin said...

Many white Christians object to in-church coffee shops, bemoaning these "money changers in the temple." Beware of these white Christians, as they may fly into a rage, whip the baristas with cords and overturn your table, spilling your latte.

suz said...

many white Christians also love cheap and poor tasting coffee while at church/coffee break. have you ever had good coffee out of those styrofoam cups at church?

Luther Zwingli said...

That just goes to show you how much white Christians actually like coffee as a post-worship refreshment... everyone drinks low-grade Joe and no one complains. Perhaps we're on to something with the styrofoam cup of coffee primarily as a greeting mechanism, and secondarily as a refreshment.

Aves said...

Our church sidestepped the in-church coffee shop objection by having the high school youth group run it and making payment "optional" but used to fund youth group activities. (And, of course, with the obligatory Christian/Coffee-themed name.)

As we're in Boulder, CO, we had to take things a step further and exercise our environmentalist evangelism, as well - no styrofoam for us! Our cups are either the good ol' fashioned white ceramic diner mugs that won't even shatter on concrete, or made of recycled fibers.

anna said...

This morning I attended Morraine Valley Church only to find the "HeBrews Cafe." I thought of this and had to laugh to myself.

Luther Zwingli said...

Ha! HeBrews is an instant classic.

Anonymous said...

when mentioning the bad post service drinks it is essential to dwell on the inability of Christians to make good cordial. Although it is favored as the drink of choice for childrens refreshments by most churches it is far to frequently watery with only the faintest traces of lemon/orange or some other fruity flavor or else so strong one might have thought they were drinking the syrup straight.

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Lisa-Anne said...

There's a Hebrews coffee shop at Bethel Church in Redding, too... I've paid for a least a mission trip or two with my nonfat mocha addiction. :) But here, we call coffee a *worship aid* and that makes it alllll better. :)

Anonymous said...

Nothing beats "The Way Cup" with an eye in the shape of a fish.