Saturday, December 13, 2008

#4 Candlelight Ceremonies

Whether for remembrance ceremonies, weddings, prayer vigils, or holiday mood-lighting, nothing tugs at the heart-strings of a white Christian quite like a candlelight ceremony. There's something about the hundreds of flickers of light, the flame symbolism, and that "unity moment" of lighting a neighbor's candle with their candle that drives white Christians crazy.

White Christians always enjoy the opportunity to worship "in creation" (creation being limited only to the outdoors). In fact, every white Christian secretly longs to be outside for every possible worship experience. Since over 65% of all candle-light ceremonies are outdoors, it is only natural that white Christians associate candlelight ceremonies with a positive worship experience. When an outdoor memorial service is combined with uplifting music and brisk but comfortable sweater weather, you have stumbled upon white Christian worship bliss.

You might think to yourself- isn't it dangerous to have hundreds of white Christians in one place with open flames - won't they burn their bulletins (now called "programs" by most white Christians)? And what about all of that wax dripping down? The white Christian enjoys the implicit danger with the open flames and the kindling of bulletins- the danger only adds to the enjoyment. In fact, during candlelight ceremonies, white Christians have even been known to give these flame sticks to children. As for the dripping wax- fear not, the crafty white Christian has thought of a solution- every candle is equipped with a cardboard "wax catching ring" that catches the vast majority of the wax, preventing injury.

Finally, as with most things that white Christians like, Candlelight services provide an evangelism opportunity. Candle light services are largely intended to attract catholics to protestant services. While white Christians like candles, catholics love them.

5 comments:

Kyle Hommes said...

I once lit my hair on fire at a candlelight service

Abraham Calvin said...

Yes! I mean, sorry to hear that. Priceless, Kyle. These hazardous candlelight ceremonies must be stopped before they harm another innocent white Christian.

Luther Zwingli said...

Amazingly enough, my pastor discussed candle-light ceremonies in church today! Our Christmas eve ceremony, he said, WILL retain the traditional actual candles (not the "fake" ones) but the children of our church under high school age will NOT be allowed to hold them. Perhaps he's reading this blog... he is white... and he is a Christian...

suz said...

I'm now recovering from helping to lead 3 candlelight services yesterday. I re-read this post again. oh so true.

Abraham Calvin said...

Did you give the flame sticks to children?