Saturday, November 29, 2008

#1 Greeters

Greeters are critically important members of any white Christian church. Greeters communicate to visitors that their church is welcoming and friendly by mastering the proper technique: smiling, saying "good morning" and using their hand shake to literally pull you through the door. Pulling the hand forward is necessary to prevent both visitors and members from stopping to talk with the greeter. This is strictly forbidden.

You might think that sound doctrine is the primary factor in church selection for white Christians, but you would be wrong. Friendliness is actually more important than every other variable combined, necessitating scores of greeters.

White Christians have discovered that they can double or even triple the friendliness of their church by merely adding a second or third greeter at each entrance. The most successful white churches have been known to maximize their friendliness by having the entire congregation form a greeting line stretching from the parking lot to the narthex.

7 comments:

Branden Harvey said...

Zero comments? Now this is a classic. What're we thinking? This post should have 100000000000000 comments. Well written! Classic.

Luther Zwingli said...

Good call, Branden. I tend to agree. I've been asked "What's the thing that white Christians like MOST?"

This is a difficult one, but the top three are definitely Greeters, Visitors, and Coffee-themed ministry. This three-some is absolutely at the heart of what white Christians are all about.

Summer said...

Oh, yes the greeter. The first line of friendliness as you come in the door. A good greeter can tell if you are new or have been coming for a year. The worst greeters introduce themselves to you every Sunday for 2 months, before reliving, yes, they have seen you before. The best greeters remember your name the next Sunday and really make you feel at home and part of the church. A good idea if well executed.

Abraham Calvin said...

Your greeters introduce themselves to you? This doesn't cause a huge logjam at the door? Any good sized church will require the smile, "good morning," and pull in handshake to keep things moving while still being friendly.

Dustin Winebrenner said...

My wife and I finally found a great church after a prolonged church shopping period. Unfortunately, we now have ushers (similar to greeters) who are directing us where to sit (pre-determinism) instead of letting us decide for ourselves (free will). We love this church, but I'm afraid this development may tip us back into shopping mode. Yikes!

Luther Zwingli said...

Dustin- thanks for the comment. Your "church shopping" mention has inspired me to draft a post on this topic.

No promises as to when this will be posted (they can take anywhere from a day to several months to go from idea to post) but I'll work on it.

don b. said...

besides, without the greeter at the front door, where else would a visitor (or a member for that matter) get their bulliten?