#93 Worn Bible Envy

Since the advent of theater seating, Bibles have been progressively been removed from the sanctuary. The pew slot no longer exists for congregations to pick up the Bible on the fly.

While the removal of the Word of the Lord from the hands of believers might seem like a negative to the outside observer, there is a silver-lining to this bizzaro-Gutenberg cloud- it encourages white Christians to bring their personal Bible from home. This home Bible has proven to be the ultimate status symbol of white Christendom.

While some white Christians merely lean on the PowerPointed scripture, expert level white Christians proudly flash their personal, devotional Bibles that have been ravaged by time, the elements, and in what can only be described as "extreme devotional use." The once smooth leather cover is cracked, tarnished, and perhaps even contains some sort of make-shift adhesive to hold things together.

This weathered Bible has been on countless retreats with varying levels of paper-warping moisture and general grit. The phrase "paper-thin" really doesn't do justice to the page width of your average Bible. Tissue- level width is really a more accurate description... and tissue is not the most durable of material. Ripped pages, frayed edges, or even broken binding is par for the course.

Pieces of bulletin notes from a thousand sermons are crammed in between pages, placing undue stress on the Good Book's delicate binding. Flipping open to any passage will reveal scribbled notes within the margins and highlighted text.

Some white Christian churches even have liturgy that designates time in worship for white Christians to showcase their person Bibles:

Envious white Christians have been known to attempt to accelerate the time-wearing process by treating their personal Bible with reckless abandon. As long as no other white Christian witnesses this abuse, that Bible'll be looking appropriately worn in no time.

#92 Sharing a Knowing Glance

For white Christians that are weak enough to be married, the intimacy of marriage allows them to know virtually every miniscule detail about their mate. While this level of knowledge brings the couple close, it also allows each mate to use this data for their own gain.

When the pastor makes a point, this is prime-time for sharing a knowing glance. A wife turns, raises a single eyebrow, and smirks at husband as if to say, "See??" or "I told you so," or "Remember when you did that exact thing?"

This can go back and forth over any topic, including inside jokes, taking scripture out of context for humorous purposes, or legitimately trying to prove a point to your mate.

Depending on the severity of the connection, the knowing glance may sometimes be accompanied by an "I told you so" smirk or even a gentle elbow nudge to the ribs. If a husband's arm is around his wife, a specific pastor comment might induce a friendly shoulder-rub to communicate that extra level of non-verbal "I'm right."

The ultimate back-and-forth marital knowing glance sermon is when Ephesians 5 roles around. This is a veritable ping-pong match of knowing glances. Undoubtedly, wives will face a knowing glance upon hearing "Wives submit to your husbands." This is the key piece of Biblical evidence that every white Christian husband needs to support his claim that "it's not a big deal" that his dirty socks are piling up on the bedroom floor.

However sweet it is, the husband's victory is short-lived as his temporary gloat-glance is interrupted by the continuation of the passage, "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church." When this line is uttered, his world crumbles. His wife's knowing glance is radiant. Long before WWJD bracelets, this century's old glance indicated to husbands that, "I'll tell you exactly what Jesus would be doing-picking up his socks off of the bedroom floor!"

Stuff White Christians LINK: 2nd Amendment Bible

Kudos to the Onion for yet another funny article (here).

#91 The End Times

For some white Christians, the Gospels and Letters of the New Testament are a little tame. Miracles, people rising from the dead, casting out demons? These white Christians shrug their shoulders and yawn. They prefer their devotionals to be filled with the terrifying dragons, beasts, and horsemen of Revelation.

There are plenty of theological disagreements among white Christians concerning the other "boring" books of the New Testament that are relatively straight forward, so a book as puzzling as Revelation allows for many possible interpretations. Revelation has inspired countless white Christians of the more crazed variety to come up with fantastical exegeses and post them on the internet. The symbolism and cryptic nature this prophetic book guarantee that they can never be proven wrong.

To save you, dear reader, the time of researching the internet's consensus on the meaning of the prophesies of Revelation, here's a summary: the Free Masons are using vaccines and the Large Hadron Collider to control our minds, ensuring that the Antichrist (Jim Tressel) is installed as ruler of the one world government within the next few weeks. If that doesn't happen, don't worry, any combination of earthquakes or floods and the latest news from Israel will signal a cascade of events leading to a different Antichrist taking power and tattooing a bar code onto our foreheads.

#90 Facebook Status Evangelism

When they aren't tweeting their way through their trip to Walgreens or posting their bra colors in their status updates, white Christians are crazy about facebook status evangelism. After all, "witness" and "whiteness" are only a couple letters away.

Since the white Christian is exclusively facebook friends with other white Christians, facebook status evangelism really straddles the line between witnessing and bragging. When facebook friends see "You are King of creation and King of my life / Lord of all Lords you will be!," next to a friend's profile picture, they know that this friend has achieved the illusive expert-level of white Christendom. These types of status update are on par with raising both hands during praise songs or direct-depositing your tithes.

White Christians that encounter a friend that has achieved this level are very quick to adapt. When the status update, "Boy is it hot outside," receives zero comments and no "likes," but "Yeshua You reign on high!" gets near unanimous cyber-approval, there's no question which type of update is more likely to be repeated in the near future.

Feeling guilty about being exclusively sharing these status update nuggets of wisdom with other white Christians, white Christians have decided to evangelize the fallen facebook realms by creating fan pages. These groups typically have names like "18 Billion Strong for Christ," (despite the notable issue of a global population of just under 7 Billion and a Christian population of around 2 Billion) or "Jesus is the Lover of 5,000,000 FB souls" (128 people like this).

Interestingly, facebook is one of few social media where white Christians have not segregated sacred from secular (See Youtube/Godtube). It is frankly stunning that no white Christian has started "GoodBook," as an exclusively Christian alternative to Facebook.

While we're on the topic, if you haven't joined the SWCL fan page, please do so. If you're already a fan, share the good news with your friends. We're currently at 541 fans which is roughly 0.000001% of our goal of 13 Billion fans.

#89 Washing Each Others Feet

White Christians are very fond of the passage in the book of John where Jesus washes his disciples' feet. This act of service has inspired youth pastors everywhere to repeat this ritual with their youth group members. These impressionable youths get the message loud and clear: serving others is gross.

Horny high school boys may disagree, as they jockey for position to wash the feet, ankles and lower calves of the one hot girl in the youth group. However, no one wants to touch 99% of the rest of those sweaty, stinky feet. While the washing of feet was a valued service in Jesus' day, what with walking in sandals all day down dusty trails, today we have shoes and socks. Feet are wonderful anatomic structures for enabling locomotion, however, while in public it is best to honor God for these gifts by keeping your feet in your shoes - out of sight and smell.

White Christians have also taken to performing this routine during their weddings. Inevitably, the ordeal runs long, the music ends, and the bride and groom scramble to get their shoes back on in silence. While waiting, everyone beyond youth group age gives thanks that they will never be required to wash someone else's feet again.

#88 The Insurance Conversion

White Christians love Heaven. They're terrified of Hell. Thanks to God's handy-dandy sovereignty, a believer's salvation-stance is really a one-and-done scenario. So when that conversion takes place (no matter how mundane the back-story might be) there's really no reason to wonder about the ultimate outcome.

And yet, ever the cautious critters, white Christians just don't want to leave it to chance. They've been known to repeatedly ask Jesus into their heart... JUST in case the previous conversion(s) didn't "take."

"Back in Sunday School, I remember singing Into my heart Lord Jesus, does that count?" wonders the white Christian. "Or does it have to be verbally said? I've always just sort of assumed that I was a Christian since that point. I'd better say it again out loud just to play it safe."

It almost seems as if white Christians have more faith in their insurance company than in their Lord. Perhaps if God had some sort of jingle for his salvation, there would be a little more confidence. Something along the lines of, "You're in good hands with Yaweh," or "Like a good neighbor, Salvation is there."

Expert level white Christians may even refer to a base-level conversions such as the thief on the cross as "Fire insurance."

#87 Church Yard Sales

In the summer, most white Christians head for the beach in lieu of going to church. While combining the first and second services solves the problem of near empty sanctuaries, it doesn't much help with the huge declines in giving that coincide with drops in attendance. You might think that white Christians would tithe whether or not they skip a few services, but in reality, they tithe only in the weeks they actually attend church, as if they were paying for admission.

Enter the church yard sale. This event serves to get rid of all the old furniture and other unsolicited rubbish that has been graciously donated over the years. When this junk is combined with new crap specifically donated by the congregation for the yard sale, the profits can provide a modest boost to the church's bottom line.

Signs and newspaper advertisements will draw in hundreds of unchurched pack rats to the yard sale. Rumor has it that on occasion, a few of these heathen hoarders become so impressed with the junk on display that they immediately decide to join the church. So even if the gross receipts of the sale are hardly worth the man-hours invested, the opportunity for outreach makes it all worthwhile.

The church yard sale also allows white Christians to demonstrate stewardship by giving away items that are slightly too good for the garbage can. While one person's trash may be another person's treasure, in the case of church yard sales, one person's trash is that same person's treasure in heaven.

#86 Agricultural Imagery

Ever since the parable of the sower, agricultural metaphors are all the rage in white Christendom. Any mention of farming hearkens back to a simpler- and therefore more Christian- time.

This yearning for agricultural imagery is especially fascinating since the vast majority of white Christians are at least 2 or 3 generations removed from any relatives having earned a living off of the land. This imaginary nostalgia surfaces in a wide range of ways for white Christians:

Farm-themed Vacation Bible school

Training up your covenant kids in week-long, farm-themed Vacation Bible school will have them bringing in the sheaves like gangbusters. Without actual farming experience most white Christians children can only imagine what planting something is like. In order to remedy this experience gap in the modern-day white Christian upbringing, a common VBS lesson includes planting actual seeds in leftover styrofoam cups that weren't used up during post-worship refreshments. While the harvest from this plant won't produce a significant yield, white Christians strongly link farming (no matter how minute) to character-building, so this styro-farm is valued as a vital rite of passage

Church Planters
Where entrepreneur meets evangelism, you'll find church planters. Amidst this faith franchise, established congregations seek to expand their ministry by allowing a motivated pastor to take his show on the road. Merging efforts with growing home church conglomerates or worshiping in rented movie theaters is standard issue. Like a rogue wolf, the church planter typically operates completely independently of the church who supports him. Despite paying his salary, the church typically has absolutely no accountability over what he does.

Harvest-themed Churches
Many churches literally brand themselves with agricultural names such as Plentiful Harvest Bible Church. The vast majority of these churches are Non-denominational, though a few Presbyterian or Baptist harvest churches might fly in under the radar. Regardless of church structure or affiliation, it is an absolute pre-requisite to heavily incorporate wheat or grain into the church logo. For congregants of these churches, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few," doubles as both a marine-like mantra and an back-door excuse if the congregation numbers starts to decline.

#85 Boycotts

White Christians are a very nice sort of people. They will try to turn the other cheek and follow the golden rule, but even nice people have their limits. When white Christians get angry, they aren't allowed to riot, smash windows or set things on fire (like normal people). Instead they will organize a boycott against the offending party.

When people exhibit sinful behavior, white Christians will reach out to them in love, unless of course these individuals have filed paperwork with the government to become a corporation - then these people will face righteous anger, indignation and a boycott. Not only do boycotts help white Christians express their anger, they are also one of the best ways to sit in judgment of unbelievers.

With so many competing Christian boycotting organizations (many of whom may be boycotting each other), white Christians have a hard time knowing who to boycott. McDonald's? Disney? Pepsi? Also, the success of the boycott is largely dependent on how much white Christians like the company's products. White Christians are happy to boycott products they don't use but for everything else, they'd prefer to just sign a petition.

#84 The Cafegymatorium

White Christians are masters of ingenuity. Since small church properties typically confine capital expansion plans, and stewardship limits capital expenditures, white Christians get creative with their worship facilities.

With several needs crammed into a one-size-fits-all facility, white Christians have concocted the Cafegymatorium. The platypus of church spaces, the Cafegymatorium is half cafeteria, half gymnasium, and half alternative worship space. Instead of doing one thing well, the Cafegymatorium does three things poorly.

The "Gymnasium" is too small for an actual game of basketball and the carpeted floors (and/or walls) virtually guarantee floor burn during overly competitive athletic contests. Why carpeted walls, you might wonder? Because white Christian adults know that the youth pastor allows the youth group to get so hyper in this space that they "bounce off the walls." Putting up some carpet allows for the covenant kids to literally accomplish this feat.

Any luncheon within a 500 foot radius of the church is contractually obligated to take place in the cafegymatorium. This would seem to make sense, but the combination of carpeted floors and volunteer labor ensures improper food clean-up. The leftover food particles of a hundred potlucks are deeply embedded into the carpet's tight weave.

The cafegymatorium's stage allows for experimentation with alternative worship experiences. Any new or non-traditional format of worship is always relegated to trials in the cafegymatorium. Cermonies in this space typically rock relatively hard, despite the noise cancellation that carpet should provide. More echo-chamber than sanctuary, worship in the cafegymatorium generates decibel levels approaching that of a jet engine.

Despite all of its short-comings, the young and the young-at-heart revere the cafegymatorium as perhaps the best space on church property. High School boys will play various intensly contested sports within this space (all of them eventually digressing into dodgeball), and afterward rejoin the youth group worship service reaking anew with the sweat of the Spirit.

#83 The Prayer Voice

Corporate prayer is a very serious matter for white Christians. Children are taught from a young age to bow their heads, fold their hands, and close their eyes while praying. However, there is an equally important part of group prayer (particularly before a meal) that parents will not mention, but will certainly model for their children: the prayer voice.

In the same way that people change their inflection when talking to babies, white Christians assume that God also responds better to a certain vocal style. When praying out loud, white Christian fathers typically go up an octave and speak with slow, measured phrases to better please God's ears. Many different prayer voice styles are acceptable, but in no circumstance should a white Christian pray in the same voice that he uses for normal conversation.

White Christians also feel the need to use verbiage while praying that they would never use in everyday life. While they would never ask their fellow diner, "O Bill, we just come before you this evening and we ask thou to pass the butter," it seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to say while praying. As long as the person praying says these strange things in a quiet, reverent tone, the prayer will meet the approval of all.